


Glass Hearts in the Night

by Idea Turnstile (jatty)



Series: Shattered [2]
Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Assault, Attempted Sexual Assault, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Infidelity, M/M, Sequel, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9362642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatty/pseuds/Idea%20Turnstile
Summary: Four years after escaping their kidnapper, Vic and Kellin have established a life together--even if they spend most of their time apart. Kellin, able to shake the traumas in his past, has gone on to form the successful band Sleeping with Sirens. Though while he is away on tour, enduring the fruits of his long labor, Vic is left at home--alone and haunted by the ghosts of his past.Kellin tries to be supportive, but after so much time apart, he struggles to understand why Vic cannot recover like he has. He doesn't understand why Vic can't move on and leave the past in the past.That is, until the past comes looking for them. Faced with the horrors of his past, Kellin must decide if he will stay and protect Vic as he did once before--or if he'll leave Vic behind to face his demons alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As much as I wanted to put this story to bed, my mind wouldn't stop asking me to consider what happened next--what's beyond the blanket "happily ever after ending." As always, with me, there is more darkness behind the curtain. 
> 
> That being said, I hope to balance the dark and light parts of this story so you're not being beat over the head with sorrow with each new chapter. Hopefully it's something you can enjoy!

Kellin was coming home. Vic couldn’t keep the dumb grin off his face, even as he washed up the bedding and cleaned every small surface in their condo. Kellin had been gone for three months and though he stopped in for visits every few weeks and stayed a night or two, there was nothing as satisfying and relieving as knowing Kellin was coming home to _stay._

It had been four years since everything had transpired; four years since escaping Eddie and returning home, since his and Kellin’s lives had taken vastly different routes. 

When Kellin turned nineteen, he’d gotten a well-paying job and moved out of Vic’s parents’ home—claiming he needed to “find himself” and feel some sense of independence. He wanted the chance to spend time with his other friends and concentrate on his music, and wanted to “give Vic his space” to grow as well.

It had broken Vic’s heart no matter how much he understood Kellin’s need to feel freedom. He didn’t enjoy being alone in his parents’ house again. He missed having a warm body beside him at night, missed having his most devoted confidant readily at his side. Sure, Kellin was then only a phone call away, but three a.m. phone calls seemed so insensitive to Vic. Plus he always had the fear he would drive Kellin away from him if he showed himself to be too needy in his partner’s absence.

Kellin was going out in the world, a place Vic was still too afraid to experience, and Vic knew there were men out there more deserving of Kellin than him—normal men who didn’t have PTSD and didn’t need pills to keep them asleep at night. If Vic was too needy, too pushy, he’d drive Kellin straight into someone else’s arms. Then what would he do with himself?

Nothing. 

So instead of calling Kellin and relying on him the way he was used to doing, Vic made himself grow distant. He waited for Kellin to call him and talk to him, pretended he was doing fine. They still visited with each other and went on dates—honestly, they went on more dates than ever before—but they went home to different houses and, to Vic, it felt like a step in the wrong direction for so long.

Then one day, after eight months apart, when they were out for coffee, Kellin asked him if he wanted to move in. The condo was big enough and it was in a quiet neighborhood. Vic didn’t think twice before saying yes. His mother was heartbroken to see him go, but his father and Mike both encouraged it and helped with the move (though many of Vic’s things stayed at his parents’). Vic felt like the happiest man alive the first night he spent in Kellin’s bed in _their_ condo; that entire first week felt like a dream.

He didn’t even have nightmares.

Then reality started to sink. Though Vic was able to collect disability due to the severity of his PTSD, Kellin still wanted him to get a job—any job. He wanted Vic out of the house more often and insisted that working and holding down a job was what would help Vic reach full recovery. After all, it was through his job and his art that Kellin had recovered.

Vic agreed to look for work and, before long, had found a job doing clerical work in an office building. Being away from home had piqued his anxiety horribly, but he used every method he had to keep calm as he filed the countless documents and records he was required to file. It was brainless work. Lonely work… There was another man who was supposed to be helping him, but that man disappeared quite often and would only come back around the time supervisors came to check in. 

The workspace was dingy and cold, and all the yellowed papers reminded Vic of Eddie’s house. There was no cell reception in the basement archive room and that left Vic feeling even more isolated. He missed texting Kellin every day. He missed hearing from him through the mornings and afternoons. 

After two months, Vic was fired from the office (or “let go” as they liked to put it) after he’d had a panic attack and left early one day. His “mental state” wasn’t fitting with their work environment, he’d been told. Perhaps he’d do better to work in cleaning or room service at the hotel across the street. The office director had a close relationship with the hotel’s hiring manager—he bet he could get Vic a job there.

So Vic had allowed the referral and filled out the application even though he didn’t see how cleaning was any more fitting of his “mental state.” Truthfully, he hadn’t wanted to go home and tell Kellin how pathetic he was. This way, he just told Kellin he’d decided to change professions.

Kellin scolded him for that just as well, asking him how the hell he thought cleaning hotels would be less stressful than sitting in one place filing paperwork. He didn’t seem to understand that brainless work let his mind wander to all the dark places.

As it turned out, housekeeping wasn’t any better—especially not when his boss looked like he could’ve been Eddie’s brother. Cleaning reminded him of Eddie and one of the nicer suites had a comforter that looked like the one Eddie always used, only cleaner. 

He was fired again after less than a month and this time Kellin didn’t bother to push him into a getting a new job. He rolled his eyes, pulled Vic into a hug, and told him he’d rather Vic stay home and take care of their condo than go out and stress himself to death. Vic knew Kellin only meant it half-heartedly, but he was glad he hadn’t gotten yelled at. He figured the reprieve would last only a few weeks, but Kellin seemed to enjoy having Vic at home more and more as the time passed. 

His dinner was always ready when he got home, Vic always made sure he had a lunch packed and that he never forgot it when running out the door in the morning. After a year in the apartment, Kellin told Vic he wanted him to stay at home—that he preferred it and felt it was better for them.

Vic just wished that didn’t mean he always had to stay home…

He’d gotten used to only seeing Kellin in the evenings on weekdays and mornings on weekends unless they had a date planned. Kellin’s time was divided between work and band practice, and though Vic didn’t often get to go to practices with him, he was still excited for his partner—happy that he was able to do the things he loved.

Kellin’s band started playing shows, small shows at little bars in town and in the neighboring cities, then they were invited to play at a venue two states away because the festival director’s daughter had seen them playing online and wanted to hear them live. 

Kellin didn’t ask Vic to come so Vic stayed home. It was the first time he’d spent more than one day in the condominium by himself. Kellin was gone four days and though they talked on the phone and Skyped, it wasn’t the same as having his partner home with him. Vic spent those days terrified for himself and for Kellin—worried endlessly that someone might grab Kellin at the festival and take him away or shoot him or hurt him. Kellin told him he was paranoid, but Vic couldn’t help it.

Eddie was dead, his friends Neil and Trent were in prison for eight years each, but the fear lingered.

Vic quickly learned that he’d been fearing the wrong things, though.

The festival became a turning point for the band as well as his relationship with Kellin. The band took off after that. After the festival, they were invited to play at two private venues as openers for one of the festival’s bigger headliners the following month. Kellin had agreed without any hesitation, he and his bandmates more than excited for the opportunity—and with good reason. 

It seemed that as soon as Kellin had gotten home, his band was invited to go on a tour along the east coast. It’d last six weeks and Kellin would have to leave his job to pursue it.

Vic had been worried some strange man might come and hurt Kellin or try to take him away again when he should’ve been worried about Kellin moving on and finding someone else—someone more his style. Someone he actually saw all the time like the men he toured with. He kept it to himself, but Vic’s biggest fear as the band grew more and more successful was being replaced. 

Kellin was winning fans. Kellin was getting popular… Kellin was getting famous.

What use did he have for a fear-stricken, stay-at-home boyfriend? What use did he have for a partner at all when he was on the road all the time? That six week tour ended and four months later he was out on the road again with a different band, a larger band, and that was how it had been for the past two years. 

Vic did his best to stay strong, to keep his anxieties at bay so Kellin wouldn’t sense him faltering and get the idea to leave. After all, when the tours were done, Kellin still decided to come home to him. He didn’t stay in some strange city and make a home for himself there. He didn’t give up on the lease of their condo in order to move in with Justin when the man had asked. Vic was the person he called before his shows and whenever he got the chance, Vic was the one he comped tickets for and let backstage. Vic was the one he came home to after being on the road, even if he was never mentioned in interviews or short bios. To all the fans Kellin “Quinn” was attracting, he was single—available. No one knew about Vic. 

Maybe that was a good thing. 

“Babe? You home?” Kellin’s voice was faint and muffled, but Vic would recognize it anywhere.

His heart leapt and he hurried to straighten the pillows on their bed before he bolted out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the foyer. He had Kellin in his arms within an instant, not caring at all that his clothes were soaking wet or that his stringy hair got in the way when they kissed. Kellin already had most of his luggage sitting by the stairs, and the large black trunks that held his stage outfits and equipment were sitting up by the door. 

“If you’d told me you were back early I would’ve helped you bring stuff in,” Vic said after kissing Kellin on the cheek a final time.

Kellin just smiled at him, making Vic fall in love with his massive blue eyes all over again like he did every time he came home after being gone for a while.

“I figured you were busy. You’re always doing something stupid when I get home—like arranging the pillows for the six hundredth time,” Kellin said with a laugh. Vic felt his cheeks start to get warm, not sure how Kellin knew him so well when he was gone eight months out of the year. “I was right, wasn’t I? Pillows again?”

“I got new ones… They’re New Mexico Desert themed.”

“What, they’ve got little wolves on ‘em or something?” Kellin asked, giggling as he pulled away from their embrace in order to grab up his luggage. Vic grabbed one of the black cases and followed after his partner to their laundry room.

“No, just the color scheme. They’re really nice—the whole bed set is really nice. I thought you’d like it because you were touring the south this last time.”

“Yeah. I’ll have to check it out after I’m done making a mess of them,” Kellin said with a mischievous smirk. Vic felt himself start grinning again as he and Kellin moved the rest of the luggage to the laundry room to be cleaned. 

The loneliness when Kellin was gone was nearly enough to kill him, but nothing made up for it like Kellin’s homecomings. He always stayed so close once he returned, letting Vic pick up where they’d left off—letting him cling and obsess until it was all out of his system.

“How was the last leg of the tour? I didn’t hear from you,” Vic said, hoping it didn’t come out sounding accusational. He knew how busy Kellin would get when on tour. He barely had time to sleep let alone make phone calls to his needy boyfriend.

“It was crazy. That last show in San Antonio almost killed me. Did you see?—there’s this one video where these girls in the front climbed onto the barricade and almost pulled me off the stage before security intervened. I seriously thought I was going to fall on these teenage girls and crush them.”

“I didn’t see this video,” Vic said, staying close to Kellin’s side as he made his way upstairs.

“I’ll show it to you later. The look on my face is priceless and Justin—oh man. He looks like he’s trying so hard not to laugh at me. I’m gonna use the bathroom real quick. Kay?”

Vic didn’t even realize where he’d followed Kellin until the door was shut in his face and he was left alone in the hallway. He backed off then and went into their bedroom, staring at the new comforter set and the pillows he had set up.

He switched the two in the middle with the two on the ends, then took one of the smaller rounds in the front and moved it to rest behind the square pillow in the middle. He was trying to balance out the shapes and the colors—but there were far more orange pillows than the red and teal. He liked the bright teal and had tried to keep it at the center of the layout and on the ends, but he was feeling more and more inclined to put them all in the middle and organize the colors that way—teal at the center, then the yellows, then the orange and red.

“Stop with the pillows, Babe!”

Vic heard the voice seconds before warm arms wrapped around his waist and he felt Kellin’s weight against his back. He couldn’t help but smile as he melted into the embrace. He crawled forward on the bed, Kellin moving with him, then rolled to lay on his back.

There was a time he used to shake when Kellin was overtop him like this—a long time after he had gotten free of Eddie—but now that weight just felt protective and Kellin’s warmth was enough to keep him calm for hours. It went from being the touch he feared most to being the tried and true cure for even his worst panic attacks.

“They’re nice though, aren’t they?” Vic asked, tilting his head back to both look at the pillows and invite Kellin to kiss him.

“They look like the set you bought last year. Stop buying pillows,” Kellin said before affixing his lips to Vic’s throat. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more,” Vic said wrapping his arms around Kellin’s shoulders and squeezing him tight as he nuzzled his face into the younger man’s neck. “God, I missed you so much.” His clothes slowly began to get soaked through with the rainwater from Kellin’s and smiled as he pushed his partner back by the shoulders. “Kell, you’re soaking wet. Let’s get you changed before you catch a cold.”

“Changed? Where’s the fun in that?” Kellin asked, leaning back to sit on his knees as he stripped off his wet jacket and shirt. Vic licked his lips as he watched, his heart rate picking up as his eyes traced Kellin’s bare chest. He’d grown so much muscle out on the road, always lifting and carrying equipment, and over the years his scars had faded and healed up—or had gotten masked with suntans. He used to have a scar on his chest from where Eddie had sliced him open, but now that was gone except for a tiny white line less than an inch long. Vic could remember a time when Kellin’s skin was nothing but red marks and different colored bruises…

He looked so much better now.

“You look so good, Kell,” Vic whispered, wondering how he remained so lucky as to have Kellin come home to him.

“Hm? I’m glad you like the show,” Kellin answered, chuckling softly before leaning down to get another kiss.

( ) ( ) ( )

While Kellin was still napping, Vic began doing loads of laundry—washing the clothes he knew Kellin would want first before starting on the outfits he wore on stage. Those outfits would need washed twice to get the stink out of them…

His heart was still racing as he sorted through the clothes and set aside personal items that shouldn’t have been left in the pocket of his jeans—like his backup iPod and two sets of earbuds. He’d pulled scraps of notebook paper out of the pockets that had lyrics scribbled on them, found a folded up napkin with a phone number on it that he’d be sure to ask about later, but not much else.

Most of the socks Kellin had brought with him on tour simply needed thrown away—they had so many holes they could hardly cover his feet and Vic shook his head as he took the pile of foul-smelling, stained and ruined sock to the trashcan. His boy deserved so much better than that, though Vic’s heart was still made heavy when he thought of how he’d have to send Kellin off with more, higher-quality socks the next time he went out.

He knew it was Kellin’s dream and he knew he should be happy to see his boyfriend being so successful, but it broke his heart more and more each time Kellin went away. His mother told him it was because of his insecurities, his father told him he was getting soft from living with another man too long, and Mike told him it was a combination of both along with jealousy. Vic had wanted to be in a band that got successful like Kellin’s, but his anxiety was too unpredictable to allow it. He could write, he could play guitar with his friends, but he didn’t want to play for crowds—he couldn’t bear the thought of playing for strangers at all.

When the laundry was done, Vic started working on dinner. It was hard since it had been a long time since he’d gone grocery shopping—not ready for Kellin’s return so early—and he had little more than a box of pasta and an old jar of sauce. He made the pasta and plated only a small bit for himself before wrapping the rest and putting it away. Kellin would probably sleep until nine or ten. He was always exhausted after coming home from a tour and Vic knew better than to wake him early. 

He sat on the couch as he ate his small serving of pasta, then washed all the dishes before going upstairs and laying down in bed next to Kellin. It was so tempting to curl up beside him and fall asleep, but the fear that he might slip into a nightmare and ruin the pleasant moment kept his eyes open. His nightmares usually settled down the first few nights Kellin was home, but Vic didn’t want to risk it. There was no mistaking the disappointment in Kellin’s eyes whenever Vic would startle him awake, screaming over a night terror. Kellin only had the nightmares when he was sick or overly stressed and he didn’t see why Vic wasn’t the same. 

Vic wished that were the case. He wished more than anything that he could get a good night’s rest without sedating himself.

For now, he just settled for lying at Kellin’s side, taking in every curl of hair that framed his soft face. How did he get this lucky? How had he gotten so lucky?

“You’re staring at me,” Kellin mumbled.

Vic stayed silent, wondering if maybe Kellin were talking in his sleep since he hadn’t moved or given any indication that he was awake. 

“Still staring… I can feel it,” Kellin said before his big eyes opened and locked with Vic’s. 

“Sorry,” Vic whispered, not sure what else to say. 

“What do you look so sad for? C’mere,” Kellin said, raising one of his arms and creating a pocket between himself and the blankets until Vic moved to lay beside him, chest to chest. They shared a brief kiss as Kellin wrapped Vic in his arms, then Kellin settled back down and closed his eyes.

“I’m glad you’re home,” Vic said softly. 

“I missed you, too,” Kellin murmured sleepily. 

“I was going crazy here without you—”

“I can tell,” Kellin said, his voice blunt and observational. “You lost weight again.”

“Just a little,” Vic said, a surge of panic going through his entire body. 

“You’re not eating again.”

“I ate earlier… I made pasta for when you get up.”

“You only eat when I’m home. You lost so much weight this time…” Kellin’s hold on him grew that much tighter and Vic couldn’t help the rush of shame that washed over him. It was hard… It was so hard keeping it together when Kellin was gone. His head was so full and his heart was so heavy that menial tasks like eating and staying hydrated slipped his mind easily, day in and day out. He’d gotten used to going hungry in Eddie’s house and that habit was hard to break when he was alone and there was no one around to remind him. 

“I’m sorry,” Vic said. “I don’t do it to be unhealthy. I—”

“I know,” Kellin said, opening his eyes again to prove his sincerity. “I wish I could bring you with me on tour. If we had a bus, maybe I could.”

“I’d ruin everything… I’d be scared all the time,” Vic said, looking away and tracing the threads in the comforter with his eyes. 

“No you wouldn’t. You’d be with me all the time. Then when we’re playing, you could wait for me backstage. It’s not crowded there.”

“People would find out about us,” Vic said. 

“The most important people to me already know. There’s no reason everyone else can’t.”

“Your label… The bands you tour with…” When Kellin got signed, that was one of the first things he told Vic: “The label doesn’t want word getting out about us.”

“Yeah… Fuck ‘em. I missed you,” Kellin said, squeezing Vic tighter. “And I missed your pasta… I’m so hungry right now, but I’m so tired right now.”

“Do you want me to bring you some? You won’t have to get up.”

“No,” Kellin said, squeezing Vic as hard as he could and moaning sleepily. It made Vic smile to have Kellin wanting him close. It made him realize how foolish he was for worrying his partner might try to leave him while he was on the road.

“Are we going to bed early?”

“I’m so tired, Baby… I can’t keep my eyes open.”

“Then let me take my pill and I’ll sleep next to you,” Vic said, smiling softly. 

“M’kay,” Kellin said, not letting Vic out of his grasp.

“I-I really need to take it if we’re going to sleep,” Vic said.

“Mm… I know,” Kellin said, pouting a little as he set Vic free. 

“It’ll only take a second,” Vic said as he got up from the bed. He refilled his bedside water glass and changed into pajama pants before swallowing down the capsule and crawling back into bed. Kellin smiled and moaned sleepily as Vic reclaimed his space beside him on the mattress. 

“The best part,” Kellin slurred, his mouth buried in Vic’s shoulder.

“What?”

“The best part. You. Being home. ‘S the best part.”

Vic smiled unbelievably wide and pressed as close to Kellin as he possibly could. Before long his limbs began to grow their familiar heaviness and his head grew foggier and foggier until, at last, everything was quiet and dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Kellin was rapping his knuckles on the counter as he listened to the phone ring. He was glaring at the empty cupboards, his mind focusing on the nearly empty fridge and barren trashcan. No food packaging thrown away except the box for the pasta and jar of sauce. 

There was no food in the house and no food in the trash meaning Vic had stopped eating again—and long ago.

“Hey, what’s up?” Mike said, finally answering his phone on Kellin’s third try.

“Where the hell have you been?” Kellin snapped.

“At work. What’s your problem?”

“When was the last time you saw Vic?”

“The day before yesterday. We went out for tacos with Mom and Dad. Why? Is he not answering his phone?”

“I mean when was the last time you came by the house,” Kellin snapped. They had talked about this. They’d _discussed_ this. Why did no one take him seriously when he said Vic needed watched?

“Why? What the hell’s your problem tonight?”

“I got home and there’s no food in the house. Nothing. He had pasta and one thing of sauce, then nothing. There’s hot sauce in the cupboard, but that’s about it. We _talked_ about this!”

“Look, I can’t be with him all the time. I have a job. Sorry you came home and he forgot to do his shopping to prepare.”

“He’s not _eating_ again! You told me I could trust you—that you wouldn’t let anything happen. He’s skin and bones, Mike!”

The other man sighed heavily, sounding as disappointed as Kellin felt. 

“I’ve called him every day. I can’t see him all the time… How was I supposed to know?” Mike asked.

“You need to come over more to check on him. I don’t know if he forgets or if he’s anorexic or what’s happening, but you promised you’d keep an eye on him last time. You promised!” 

“I know! I’m sorry, alright? I can’t be with him all the time. When we took him out, he ate like normal. How was I to know something was wrong?”

“Because he’s your brother! You should notice when he drops weight like this!”

“Well maybe now that you’re home, you’ll fix it instead of blaming it on everyone else. You know, I have a _job._ Alright? I go to work for ten hours a day. Sorry I can’t babysit him.”

Kellin thought of something sharp to say, but before he could speak, Mike ended the call. 

Kellin growled and set the phone aside on the counter before searching through the cupboards to see if he could find anything—anything at all—that Vic might’ve been living off of the past few days _at least._

There was molding bread on the top shelf of the cupboard that Vic clearly forgot about having, a small bowl of microwavable mashed potatoes, and a can of green beans amongst the bottles of spices and bags of flour and sugar Vic used for baking. The fridge was empty except for bottles of water and beer, eggs, and butter, and the freezer only had one Hot Pocket left in it that had been there since Kellin left.

The eggs, at least, were still fresh so Kellin hoped his partner had been using them to cook for himself recently. Perhaps he’d taken out the trash before Kellin got home. Maybe that was why there were no empty food packages or wrappings thrown away.

Maybe he’d eaten something besides the tacos he’d gotten with his parents two days ago…

Kellin hated that after only a few hours home, he was already having to prepare for a serious talk. Vic never took care of himself properly when he was alone, no matter what Kellin said to him, and it was increasingly frustrating as it was heartbreaking. When Kellin was home he’d cook full meals—everything from scratch—and it hurt that he didn’t care about himself enough to even eat a damned Hot Pocket when he was hungry. 

Too angry to eat any of the pasta he’d come downstairs for, Kellin returned to the bedroom and sat at the foot of the bed, staring at Vic who was dead to the world and hadn’t moved a centimeter since falling asleep. His new pills were like goddamned horse tranquilizers and Kellin bet a gunshot could go off right beside him and Vic wouldn’t even hear it. 

He could probably roll Vic onto his back and take him and Vic wouldn’t wake up for it.

As soon as he had the thought, Kellin shook his head in disgust to rid himself of it—now angry at himself for even imagining such a thing in the first place. 

He climbed over top Vic’s body and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple before moving to lay beside him, pulling him close again. Vic’s breathing didn’t even change as he was shifted against Kellin’s chest. These pills had him too far under and Kellin hated it so much. What if something happened in the middle of the night? What if there was an intruder or a fire or an accident? How was he going to wake up? How was he going to protect himself?

He couldn’t. All because he was so afraid he’d have nightmares…

Kellin understood that Vic had been held prisoner for six years, forced to endure unspeakable tortures day in and day out, but how could he make no progress once he was free? He still panicked in stores, still avoided going outside if he could help it, still couldn’t hold down a job…

How could he stay so broken and fearful? Sometimes it was as if he weren’t even trying to get better, but on his worst nights—when he would explain to Kellin what was happening in his night terrors or bad thoughts—Kellin empathized. 

Some of the things Eddie had done to him in the early stages of his captivity were mortifying. It was a miracle he’d even survived as long as he had. Eddie had tried to kill him multiple times, only to back down at the last minute and revert from torturing his victim to trying to make it all better. It was an issue Vic had only recently started discussing in his therapy sessions and whenever Kellin sat in during those talks, he almost always left feeling nauseated and weak. 

He wanted so badly to forget that awful place and wished Vic would do the same, but when he would describe—in horrifying detail—the pain and suffering Eddie subjected him to in his most sadistic days, Kellin understood why he couldn’t.

How could Vic forget begging for his life while Eddie pinned him by his hair and pressed his face closer and closer to a pan of boiling water on the stove? How could he forget being stripped naked and bound on the porch in the dead of winter, being doused with cold water from the hose whenever Eddie wasn’t terrorizing him with the dog?

There were so many awful stories that Vic had never spoken up about before… Stories that made the countless beatings and rapes seem so insignificant. 

Of course Vic couldn’t forget. Of course he didn’t eat and couldn’t sleep. Vic hadn’t gotten to see the light fade out of Eddie’s eyes the way Kellin had, and part of him was always going to fear that the man who had brutalized him was going to come back for revenge.

And if not Eddie, then one of his two friends. Both Neil and Trent had been picked up several months after the ordeal with Eddie and brought to trial. Kellin was only able to testify regarding the night Vic nearly died from their tortures, but Vic was compelled to speak about the rest—and when it came to testifying in a room full of people, Vic was next to useless. He was too afraid to look at them, and only wanted to speak of what he’d witnessed happening to Kellin. He didn’t want to talk about his own suffering, didn’t want to draw any attention onto himself—still so afraid that they would get free and punish him for talking.

Because he couldn’t describe any other instance when the men had hurt him, the bastards only got eight years each with chances for parole every two years, and Vic—still afraid of everything—turned into even more of a nervous wreck when those dates approached.

Kellin groaned as the thoughts filled his head, then closed his eyes and tried to force himself off to sleep. It was hard, especially with all the bad memories knocking at his mind like unwanted guests. He loved his bed and having a familiar, warm body to hold, but Kellin missed touring already. He never had time to think about Eddie or the abuse then.

He didn’t have nightmares on tour—at least not often.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic smiled as he and Kellin walked up and down the aisles at the grocery store. He’d gotten up early and made a list of all the things he would need to make the very best lunches and dinners for the week, slightly embarrassed at how barren all their shelves and cupboards were at home. When Kellin wasn’t around, Vic just found it hard to eat. He didn’t see the point in cooking lavish meals just for himself, and after a while all the frozen TV dinners began to taste so bland that he’d rather go hungry. 

“Oh, shit!—I think I know what you’re making me tonight,” Kellin said, smiling like a child as he propped himself up on the cart. He had one foot on the metal rail and was using the other to push himself along behind Vic, nearly crashing in to multiple shelves and displays as he moved along.

“Oh yeah? What am I making?” Vic asked, smiling just as much as his partner.

“Enchiladas,” Kellin said in a sing-song tone of voice as he steered the cart up to Vic’s side. 

“Mhm. But I’m making other things too,” Vic said.

“Yeah, but tonight you’re making enchiladas.”

“I am,” Vic said, chuckling as he plucked a few different types of peppers out of the produce bins. Every now and then he’d glance up and catch sight of Kellin, admiring the way the lights hit his face. His hair had gotten so long while he’d been away, the ends of it at their longest points touching the black, vegan leather of his jacket. Vic adored how the long strands framed his face, how his big blue eyes looked as they peered out so brightly between his dark bangs. 

“You’re staring at me,” Kellin said, looking off in the distance.

“Sorry,” Vic said, blushing and returning his focus to the task at hand—picking out peppers and veggies for the week.

“It’s okay,” Kellin said, coming to stand behind Vic and resting his chin on Vic’s shoulder before whispering, “I like it.”

Vic let out a soft moan and tried harder to focus on his shopping. They still needed a lot more things and then they had to get through check out…

“Hey, Vic?” Kellin asked, nuzzling into his boyfriend’s neck just slightly before pulling back.

“Hm?” 

“Do you… When you’re home and I’m away, do you cook for yourself like this?”

“Um…” It was a discussion Vic didn’t want to have, one that left a sick feeling in his stomach. He felt cornered because he knew Kellin wouldn’t believe any lie or excuse he gave, and knew just as well that Kellin would scold him if he spoke the truth. “I-I cook meals for the week. Usually go shopping on Sunday nights… No one’s out on Sundays.”

“There wasn’t any food when I got home.”

“I know… I wasn’t expecting you. I got behind. I ordered pizza last night. You can check my credit card statement—I can show you.”

“I don’t want to check your statement. I want you to be honest with me.” Kellin stared at him, those icy blue eyes cutting straight through him. He knew Vic was lying. He knew there was no pizza and that if there had been there was no way Vic could have eaten the entire thing himself.

“I-I am being honest. I have been eating, just—”

“Vic, you’ve lost another ten pounds. At _least._ You can’t afford to be dropping weight like that. There’s not going to be anything left of you.”

Vic didn’t say anything. He stared down at the food and produce in their shopping cart and felt sick. 

“Hey… I’m not trying to attack you. I’m sorry, Baby. I just… I just worry. You know? I’m not home much… If something goes wrong, if something were to happen to you, I’d feel so guilty.”

“I’m not starving myself,” Vic muttered.

“You _are_ starving yourself.”

“No, I’m not,” Vic said, pushing their cart along down the aisle, leaving the produce for the packaged goods. “It’s my new pills. They just… They kill my appetite. I don’t make as much because I’m cooking just for me and…” He couldn’t come up with a convincing enough story to tell. It wasn’t his intention to go hungry and drop weight, he just…didn’t remember to eat. He slept most of the time.

What else did he have to do?

“I’m not starving myself,” Vic said again, feeling trapped—so trapped—as Kellin followed him through the aisles. It was the truth, at least partially. He wasn’t _trying_ to lose weight or avoid eating, he just didn’t have the energy.

“Vic… Have you been doubling the dose of your pills again? I know that makes you… I-I know you’ll sleep all day if you do that.”

Vic hated the conversation—hated that his partner was drawing all this attention to him in public. He could practically feel the judgmental stares coming off the other shoppers. He could just imagine the awful things they thought about him based on what they’d overheard. They probably thought he was some kind of addict, taking double the dose of his amphetamines to get high—that would explain the weight loss too…

“I haven’t doubled my pills since I got the new prescription. These ones are stronger. I don’t have to—”

“Your new pills are too strong.”

“No they’re not,” Vic said, a bolt of fear ripping through him. Kellin had dumped a bottle of his sleeping pills before in a fit of anger and now he was afraid he’d do it again—then leave for tour and leave Vic alone and terrified, unable to even find comfort in sleep.

“Vic, I moved you around on the bed and you didn’t even wake up. What if someone broke in?”

“Then I’d rather be asleep for it,” Vic snapped, his hands gripping the cart painfully tight. He felt the judgment and condemnation swirling around him, not just from the eavesdroppers but from Kellin himself.

“I’m sorry… Now’s not the time,” Kellin said, sighing. “I… I’m just scared something’s going to happen. When you’re not eating… You could get sick again, Vic. You could just waste away and I’m not home to notice. I love you. I don’t want anything bad to happen. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, looking around at the people in the pasta aisle with them. His heart was pounding so hard and he began feeling weak, his head spinning as he clutched onto the cart for dear life.

“I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have brought it up. Are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water?”

“I’m fine,” Vic said, thinking about how much of a scene they were causing—thinking about all the eyes on him. He just wanted to be unseen. He wanted to go unseen.

“You said you wanted some fresh cilantro, right? That… That was back in produce. Let me go get it for you. I’m sorry. Let me… Let me give you a minute.”

“No — Kellin, no!” Vic called, his voice only coming out as a forceful whisper as his partner walked away from him, abandoning him with all the strangers as his heart continued pounding.

He regretted speaking, he regretted not remembering to shop a few days early _in case_ Kellin came home unannounced. After nearly five minutes of standing in place, shaking, Vic slowly left the pasta aisle and went to look for Kellin in produce.

His partner was standing in front of the fresh herbs, talking on his cell phone with his back to Vic and the rest of the store. Vic had a moment of fear that he was on the phone with Mike or his parents, planning some way to get his pill dosage lowered or his prescription cancelled all together. It wouldn’t be the first time…

“No… No, I know,” Kellin was saying, his voice far too gentle for him to be speaking with Mike or anyone from Vic’s family. It was the tone of voice he used when he spoke to Vic. Affectionate, concerned… “I told you, I’m trying. No… No, don’t say that. C’mon.”

“Kellin?” Vic said.

Kellin stiffened, his shoulders and back setting themselves in hard lines as if Vic had shouted at him.

“I have to go now. I’ll talk to you later.” He hung up, and only after that did he turn around and face Vic with a weak smile. “Hey, sorry. I got a call from our PR guy.” He offered no further explanation and grabbed a small bundle of cilantro from the shelf. 

“PR guy?” Vic asked. He’d never heard Kellin speak so affectionately to anyone from his label.

“Something about… I don’t know. How I appear to people. He knows about us, obviously, and it’s kind of his job to make sure _they_ don’t know about us,” Kellin said, making a halfhearted gesture toward the other shoppers.

“What, he follows you to the store and says you’re standing too close to your boyfriend?” Vic snapped. He still felt the anxiety rattling his chest and now he had a great deal of pain and fear mixing with it as well. Kellin never spoke that gently with anyone, let alone business connections.

“Don’t say it like that,” Kellin said, lowering his gaze. 

“That’s what it’s about though, isn’t it? You can’t be seen with me because it might hurt your band. Well, maybe I should just stay home. Maybe I shouldn’t ever leave the house—maybe I’ll stay home and you go tour and you can forget I even exist.”

“Vic, stop it! I told you last night I was tired of the secrecy. You think I like having a boyfriend I can’t talk about? You think I like living in fear that my dream is going to get taken from me because the right-wing assholes who hold my contract don’t like what I do in private? Because I don’t. Okay? I want you to come to my shows. I want you with me. I’m sorry it can’t happen right now, but that doesn’t mean I want to _hide you._ So don’t start spouting off at me like that.”

“Why were you talking to your PR guy like that?”

“Like _what?”_

His eyes didn’t look guilty… Maybe Vic was imagining things again…

Vic looked around at the other people in the store, feeling embarrassed for speaking so obnoxiously, even if he’d kept his voice low. He’d really turned this trip into a mess, hadn’t he?

“Look, let’s just get what we need and go home,” Kellin said, pocketing his cell phone. “Do you think you can handle that?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, his voice meek. He felt as if his heart had been stomped on, even though he knew Kellin was in the right and he was wrong to have acted so dramatically.

He kept his head down and his mouth shut the rest of their shopping trip, grabbing the last few items he needed to make his enchiladas and then pushing the cart to the checkout lane. 

When they got home he put the groceries away himself and immediately started making their dinner, his chest still hurting from the tension and embarrassment he’d caused at the store. He spent two hours trying to get the sauce to taste right for his enchiladas, but failed dismally and ended up serving Kellin a dish he was less than proud of. 

He kept his head down as he ate, ignoring it when Kellin tried to pay him a compliment on the flavor. Eddie used to do that… Then he’d grab the plate, grab Vic by the back of his head, and smash it in his face.

But Vic guessed he was supposed to just forget about things like that. It had been four years, after all. 

“Vic, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just get scared. I love you. You mean the world to me… The thought of you not eating—the thought of you not being healthy when I’m gone scares the shit out of me. You say it’s the pills but I don’t think that it is… You did this the last time I left and you were on a completely different medication. I don’t want you to die.” He glanced up for a fraction of a second as he said it, his voice breaking.

“I won’t die,” Vic said, concern quickly taking over all of the bad feelings and resentment he’d had. He reached across the table and grasped Kellin’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Kellin… I won’t die.”

“Well you’re not eating, and you’re doubling up on these pills—”

“I don’t double up anymore—”

“—You say you don’t care if someone breaks in to attack you and that you’d rather sleep through it, but I don’t want someone to come in and shoot you. I want you to be able to get away.”

“I don’t double up on these pills… I-I can talk to my doctor but I can’t change medications for another two months. You know that.”

“What if you took half a pill? Just… Just try it while I’m here so I can wake you up if something bad happens.”

“Okay,” Vic said, willing to do anything if it would get the hurt out of Kellin’s eyes. 

“Thank you. I just worry, Baby,” Kellin said, his voice so soft.

“I know…I missed you so much. I’m glad you’re back,” Vic said, setting his hand atop Kellin’s on the table. 

“I just wish I could stay longer,” Kellin said.

“What do you mean? When are you leaving again?” Vic asked. His heart started racing, tears pricking his eyes so fast that he was even surprised by it.

“I… I have a thing in LA for a couple of weeks next month. It’ll only be a couple of week, three tops, and then…we’ve got a new tour in August that we’re announcing next Friday… But I only have to be gone two nights to film the announcement. Three tops, but I doubt it’ll be that long.”

“Three days to shoot a video?” Vic asked, his whole world feeling like it was shattering around him. 

“Well there’s some meeting stuff going on too. We’re getting briefed on all the workings of the tour and… Come on, Baby; don’t look at me like that.”

“You didn’t tell me this before… I thought you were staying home for a while.” It was so hard not to feel betrayed. Kellin had gone away to shoot tour promotion videos and album release videos and it had never been more than a day trip, even with the meetings. 

“I _am._ It’s just three days tops. Probably only two. What are you freaking out about?”

Vic said nothing, just looked down at his plate and resumed eating. There was no point in arguing. Kellin made the money, not him, and if Kellin had to go away for business—to further his dream of success—it was Vic’s job to be supportive.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic halved his pill dosage just as Kellin had asked him to do, leaving him in and out of sleep—trapped in a state between the two. He’d open his eyes and stare at the hazy numbers on the clock, noting how they’d changed. Thirty minutes here, five minutes there. One in the morning… One fifteen…

It was at four that something else lured him out of his restless sleep. Kellin’s phone starting to ring. Within seconds Kellin had the call answered—as if he’d been anticipating the call which came at exactly four. 

“Hello? Hey—hi. No, it’s alright. It’s alright. Hang on. Just hang on.”

The mattress shifted and Kellin was gone. Vic rolled over and stared at the space where his partner had been, straining his ears to hear his voice in the hall since his limbs were too heavy to lift. 

“Yeah, I told him,” Kellin said from far away. “No, he doesn’t know… No. Why would he?”

There was a long pause, and in that time Vic struggled to get up from the bed. Kellin was talking about him—talking about a secret being kept from him—and he desperately wanted to know what it was. He needed to get closer so he didn’t miss a word. 

All he could hear now were the sounds of Kellin walking down the stairs, a loud and irritable “hey” echoing up the stairwell once he reached the bottom. Vic could hear him speaking angrily in the living room, but couldn’t make out a word that was said.

Try as he might, the farthest Vic could make it was to the top of the stairs before his knees began shaking. He was too afraid of accidentally making noise and giving himself away if he tried to descend even a few of the steps, so he sat at the top and strained to hear his boyfriend’s voice.

“You know how it is. You knew…” Kellin’s rapid speech was lost on Vic, turned into muffled sounds before sharp words cut through again. “…and you knew that. I told you from day one this is how it’s going to be. I can’t be away from home…could die. Okay? Vic could die.”

Vic couldn’t even begin to piece together the conversation. Was it about business? Was it personal? Why was he being mentioned and why did Kellin fear he would die? Because he didn’t buy enough groceries?

“You know how much he means to me but that doesn’t mean….” Again, the words were lost. “…how it is. That’s how it is. So what do you want to do now? … No, I’m not cancelling our plans! I’m telling you… Listen to me!” 

Vic flinched at how angry Kellin sounded, recoiling away from the stairs and getting back on his feet. The tone of his voice struck something inside of him and Vic was left stumbling toward the bedroom, tripping over his feet and hitting the ground hard before managing to make it all the way. 

The next thing he knew, Kellin was rushing up the stairs to him and began pulling him up into a protective embrace.

“What are you doing up?”

“Had to use the bathroom,” Vic lied, afraid to be caught eavesdropping. 

“Okay, okay… Be careful, Baby. You could’ve fallen down the steps.”

“Where were you?” Vic asked as Kellin helped him to the bathroom.

“I had to take a call from PR. I went downstairs so I wouldn’t wake you.”

“Again?” Vic asked. PR again? Just like at the grocery store?

“Yeah. We still had more to discuss about the trip. Don’t worry about it.” Kellin closed the bathroom door for him and Vic listened as his partner yawned and climbed into their bed. He had the sense that something just wasn’t right, but knew now wasn’t the time to ask. He was exhausted and groggy, Kellin was fresh home… They didn’t need a discussion. They didn’t need to fight.

So Vic did what he did best and pushed the unpleasant thoughts as deep into the recesses of his mind as he could and, by the next morning, he hoped to forget.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Kellin never meant for any of this to happen. He hadn’t planned on it, had _never_ fantasized about it… It all just sort of, well, _happened._ He didn’t see it that way to make himself some kind of victim—what he was doing was wrong and he knew that—but he couldn’t resist. He couldn’t help himself.

Tour was such a strange thing. Being away from home, away from Vic and all their problems, made him feel like a new man—a completely different person. He had his persona to uphold. On the road, in front of the cameras, he wasn’t abused, kidnapped Kellin Bostwick anymore. He was Kellin Quinn. He was someone cool and edgy and admirable. He wasn’t broken, wasn’t traumatized.

Hell, as far as the fans knew, the deepest scar he had was from his father walking out on him as a child. They didn’t know about his mother or Brad or Eddie… Or Vic.

That was the hardest pill to swallow at the end of the night.

They didn’t know about Vic, and to keep it that way his managers had advised him to pretend that Vic didn’t exist. It was for the best. That way he couldn’t blurt Vic’s name out in an interview about what inspired his songs or what he does with his free time. 

But that also meant he couldn’t ever bring Vic on tour with him or invite him to shows. Vic was too anxious to come to shows anyway, but knowing he _couldn’t_ be there to show his support was agonizing. 

Kellin never meant for it to happen… But out there on the road where he pretended that his former self and his life with Vic didn’t exist, he’d found someone else. 

His name was Casey. He was a sound engineer with an impressive resume and impeccable taste in music. Kellin had struck up a conversation with him after they’d both wandered into the bar on a night off in Palm Springs. Kellin recognized him and complimented him on his work, not thinking much of the other man outside of his talent. He was attractive, but not strikingly gorgeous—not the sort of stop and stare stunning that was supposed to lead taken men astray. 

The more Kellin talked to him, though, the deeper his attraction grew. The cocktails he’d been swallowing certainly hadn’t helped, but he’d kept his head about him. As soon as he started to feel his control of himself slipping, Kellin dropped the bomb. 

He brought up Vic. Told Casey they had a condo together and spilled his guts about the managers forcing him to keep it all a secret. 

He expected to be faced with repulsion, aggression at least for leading this man on and then flipping the script. But Casey wasn’t like other people. He was hurt, but he accepted it. He understood that he’d never come before Vic in Kellin’s heart, but it didn’t stop him from trying.

Kellin spent so long hating himself for giving in, but he loved the attention far too much to let it pass. Casey didn’t know about Eddie or the rapes or beatings. He didn’t know any of it. He knew about Brad and Kellin let Casey’s imagination do the rest when he had nightmares and needed held or found himself crying randomly in the afternoons when a stray thought would hit him too hard. Vic was always his number one, but it felt good to have someone else who could support him and take care of his needs…

And Casey fulfilled needs Vic never could. To be honest, Kellin was sick of being on the receiving end every single time he and Vic were together. He was tired of their boring routine, the same moves and same words every single time. It was like a bad porno Kellin had to watch every time he wanted to get off and he couldn’t help it, but his lust for his true partner was almost completely gone. He would always find Vic attractive and desirable, but it wasn’t enough anymore. Kellin wanted other things and Vic was too traumatized to even consider them.

Not to mention the fact that Vic couldn’t ever physically be on the receiving end when they were together. Kellin tried his hardest to banish the images from his mind, but he could never forget the state that those men had left Vic in that awful night. There had been so much blood… His legs and thighs were painted in crimson as Neil and Trent took their time destroying him. 

They’d torn his inner walls, damaged the muscles until the abuse caused him to prolapse and what was meant to be inside began slipping out when they finally let him be. By that point Vic had already passed out, but Kellin would never forget the sight of it—the bloody carnage left falling out of his boyfriend’s body.

And those times Vic woke up and was aware of his body enough to feel what was happening to him… Kellin would never get the cries of fear out of his head. He remembered Vic trying to push the distended tissues back inside of himself, hyperventilating as the blood coated his fingers and the damaged muscle sloughed immediately back out. It was a God-awful gore film trapped in Kellin’s psyche and he would never risk that happening to Vic again. 

Surgery corrected it, but there was always the risk of it happening again and just the thought was enough to turn Kellin away. He could never have Vic in the ways he wanted him most, so instead he had Casey. 

He knew the thought alone would be enough to destroy Vic, so he did everything he could to keep the growing relationship he had with Casey under tight wraps. It had worked for a long time, but then in recent months Casey had become more dependent on Kellin—needier and always wanting to be in contact.

Kellin knew the other man wanted to take Vic’s place, but that could never happen. Vic was everything to him and even though Kellin had fallen in love with Casey he didn’t want to lose what he and Vic had. 

His constant phone calls were getting to be a problem, especially after last night. Vic claimed he had been out of bed trying to use the bathroom, but Kellin knew better. He got up because he heard the phone ring. It was Kellin’s own fault for asking him to take half a pill instead of a whole one, but he hadn’t known at the time that Casey was going to insist on calling him. And it wasn’t like he could turn Casey away… He didn’t want to hurt Casey either, and it was getting harder and harder to keep up both relationships without hurting both of his lovers simultaneously. 

“I was thinking…maybe we could visit my parents for dinner tonight,” Vic said, drawing Kellin out of his thoughts.

“Dinner? Yeah. That’s fine.”

“We don’t have to. I know you just got home… We can stay in. I can make something or we can order pizza.”

“No… I don’t want pizza. Did you call your parents already?”

“No. I didn’t know if you would want to—”

“We can’t just show up unannounced for dinner. Maybe tomorrow night, Babe.”

“My mom wouldn’t mind.”

“Vic, you can’t just keep inviting yourself over there without asking. It makes them uncomfortable.”

“No it doesn’t,” Vic said, looking so offended by the thought. He didn’t understand at all the looks his parents would give him whenever he showed up with Kellin unannounced. They used to not mind, when Vic first moved out, but lately they seemed drained by him. Vic was still reliant on his family—always dependent on someone to care for him—and it was clear to Kellin that Vic’s parents were ready for him to move on, to grow up and be self-sufficient. His clinging was pushing them away just like Casey’s was driving Kellin away. 

As much as Kellin enjoyed his visits with Vic’s loving family, all uncomfortable gazes aside, he couldn’t bear the idea right now. Vic was going to need his parents if things started falling apart, and even though his fear was irrational, he didn’t want to risk losing Vic because his parents mistakenly turned him away in his darkest hour of need.

“Not tonight…”

“Okay,” Vic mumbled, looking disheartened and confused. “I guess I’ll go make some dinner…”

Vic said nothing more and left for the kitchen, starting to gather supplies automatically—mechanically. 

Kellin let out a heavy sigh and lifted his phone from its position beside him on the couch. Three texts from Casey. 

The first was a good morning message Kellin had ignored, angry at his boyfriend for making him take a call in the middle of the night and almost causing them to be caught by Vic, the second was a picture of him and his little niece. The picture of Casey smiling and holding up the baby girl brought a grin to Kellin’s lips. 

_Miss U Babe_ Casey texted when his picture and his good morning message had received no reply.

_You’ll see me in a few days. Miss you too._ Kellin stared at the text a long time before hitting send. He saved the photo, then deleted the messages. Vic would never go through his phone, but the fear still remained. 

_Can’t wait. I booked us an Air BnB. Priiiivacy ;)_ Casey said.

Kellin continued replying, smiling more and more when Casey sent him more details and photos of their temporary home. He reserved it for a week, but Kellin had told Vic he would only be gone three days tops. 

_It’s no biggie. If you have to go home early I guess I’ll just have the whole apartment to myself :’(_

Kellin rolled his eyes, hating how easily Casey manipulated him. He knew Kellin wouldn’t want to leave the BnB before their reservation expired. He would want to make the most of his private retreat with his other boyfriend. It was rare quality time, time they never got while on tour. Casey wasn’t Vic and never would be, but Kellin still wanted to make the other man happy—and wanted to be happy with him. 

He would have to make up some excuse Vic would be naïve enough to believe…

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin lay on his back in his and Vic’s bed, spreading his legs and tilting his head back against the pillow.

Vic’s mouth was working its way down his chest. It would then reach his cock. Vic would lick first—two or three times—then circle the tip with his tongue. Then he’d take half of Kellin’s length into his mouth, never able to fit any more than that, and he’d make eye contact then before getting to work. 

Kellin would look at him, moan, and tip his head back again. It would feel good, but it would be the same as always. 

Vic sucked him, then moved up and kissed his neck. He stroked Kellin gently before breaking away just long enough to squeeze lubricant onto his fingers.

One finger. Two… More kisses on the neck and then three fingers slipped inside. Kellin moaned and pretended to be into it.

Lips sucking his pulse, a hand sliding down his chest, caressing his hip, stroking his cock before the fingers pulled away. A kiss on the mouth, another fake moan from Kellin, Vic’s cock pressing inside of him. Kellin arched his spine, played the part of an enamored lover, groaned deeply as if he enjoyed it as much as the first time.

And he did enjoy it, it was pleasurable—it was _good,_ but it was boring. No spontaneity, no variation… The same as every time.

There was passion in it, though. Kellin couldn’t deny it. Vic would look down at him with so much affection and love, his complete devotion showing in his deep brown eyes. He had no idea… He had no idea Kellin was unfaithful.

Vic finished first, looking half blissed out and half guilty. Kellin finished himself off, staring at Vic and trying to force affection into his own gaze. It wasn’t that he stopped loving Vic, he just didn’t feel the passion like he used to. It was hard when things had become so…mundane. 

“I love you,” Vic said before kissing Kellin’s neck and jawline. 

“Love you too,” Kellin panted, allowing Vic to snuggle up to him. He held him tight and smiled, loving the attention Vic always paid him after sex. It was the only element that shifted between their times together. Some nights he wanted held, some nights he wanted to hold Kellin. Some nights he’d want kisses, others he’d just want to let his head tip back on the pillow or Kellin’s shoulder until he dozed off. 

No matter what it was, Kellin gladly soaked it up. 

“I’m so glad you’re home,” Vic murmured, squirming around until he had his arms around Kellin and his chin rested on the top of Kellin’s head. 

“Me too. I missed you so fucking much.” 

“I wish you weren’t leaving again so soon.”

“It’s just a few days. I don’t want to talk about it,” Kellin mumbled, cuddling into Vic’s bare chest. 

Vic hummed and kissed Kellin’s head a few times before slowly dozing off. It was the only time he didn’t have nightmares when he slept—consistently anyway. If he had sex, he slept soundly.

And deeply.

Kellin laid there in his arms, fumbling for his cell phone a moment before grasping it and typing a reply to Casey’s latest message. 

That was how he spent the rest of his evening, typing reply after reply to Casey while Vic held him and slept. 

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he woke up to the sound of Vic crying. It shocked him. He fumbled around on the mattress, almost toppling off the side of the bed. His first thought was Eddie—Eddie was hurting Vic and Kellin had to stop him—then he woke up further and a different fear hit him. He’d fallen asleep texting Casey. Vic had seen his phone and knew everything.

Kellin sat up, feeling dizzy and nauseated, and peered around the tangled sheets and mattress for his phone, then grasped it as soon as he found it on Vic’s side of the bed. He cursed, his hand shaking as he pressed the home key. 

Black.

The screen stayed black.

His phone was dead, so it couldn’t be that.

Kellin sighed deeply, but didn’t feel relieved. Vic was crying—loudly—and it was Kellin’s job to figure out why and stop it.

Still trembling, he pulled his legs free of the bedsheets and went into the hallway where he found Vic sitting on the stairs. He had his phone clutched in his fist, held to his mouth as he stared off down the steps and cried.

“Vic? Baby, what’s the matter?” Kellin asked, still afraid it was Casey. He didn’t know how Vic would’ve found out, but he was still scared his partner had. Oh, God, how was he going to explain it? He didn’t want to leave Vic for Casey, he didn’t want to lose what they had—he just wanted more. “Babe?” Kellin asked, reaching down to touch Vic’s shoulder.

“What?!” Vic jumped and banged against the wall, then stared at Kellin and broke down further—sobbing like Kellin had slapped him.

“What?—What, Baby?” Kellin asked, slowly sinking down beside Vic on the stairs as if Vic were a frightened animal and he was afraid Vic might attack him. 

“Th-they let him out,” Vic sobbed. 

“What? What are you talking about?” Kellin asked, grabbing the phone from Vic’s hand and pulling it out of his grip before he dropped it and broke it.

“N-Neil. Th-they let him out.”

Kellin really felt like he might be sick. In one respect, he felt relieved—it wasn’t Casey and his relationship was safe—and in another he felt nothing but dread. Neil? Out on the street? Even if his rational side knew that man would never find them, knew the man wouldn’t want anything to do with them now that he got his freedom back, he was still scared. He was supposed to go away for a week to shoot the video and spend time with Casey. Was Vic going to be okay by himself?

“Did you hear me?” Vic sobbed.

“Yeah,” Kellin whispered, looking down at the floor. Was he going to be able to go to LA to shoot the video?

The band meeting he could postpone—they could shoot the video anywhere… But how was he going to break the news to Casey and not have it look like he was trying to ditch him?

“What are we going to do?” Vic cried. His eyes were bloodshot and so dark he looked like he had been punched. His face was so wet… 

“We’re gonna be fine,” Kellin said, keeping the trembling out of his voice. Vic had been strong for him every day they were trapped with Eddie—every single day. It was Kellin’s turn to be tough. “Alright? He wants nothing to do with us. He’s not going to hurt you. He can’t find you.” 

“I’m scared,” Vic sobbed, rubbing the tears off his face and scooting closer. Kellin put his arm around him and pulled him in, squeezing him tightly and kissing his cheeks and the top of his head. “I-I don’t want them out. They’re going to find me.”

“No one’s going to find you. How would they find us?”

“The restraining orders—they have our address,” Vic cried. “H-He can come here. We have to leave. We have to get out.”

Shit. He was right.

“Baby, we can’t go anywhere. He’s not going to come here. And if they did… Which they _won’t,_ we have a security system, this is a _protected_ community. He cannot find us. Okay? The order only has the complex—it doesn’t have our house number. We’re fine. Okay? No one’s going to get you.”

Vic sobbed harder and pressed himself into Kellin’s chest. His whole body was shaking and Kellin felt his boyfriend might literally shatter into a thousand pieces right there in his grip.

“Baby, you need to come lay down. You’re a mess. Come on.” Slowly, Kellin stood up and pulled Vic to his feet, wrapping his arm around his partner’s shoulders to help keep him balanced. He brought Vic back into the bedroom and set him down at the foot of the bed and then knelt before him, holding both his hands. “I know you’re scared, but everything’s going to be fine. We’re the last people on Earth Neil wants to see. He’s spent the last five years getting screwed in prison—you think he’s going to come here and risk going back?”

Vic was slowly getting himself back under control, his sobs turned to soft sniffles as he squeezed Kellin’s hands. 

“He won’t come here…”

“I just… I don’t feel safe now. I know it’s dumb, but… He was friends with Eddie. What if he doesn’t care about going back to prison? What if he just wants revenge?”

“Then he’s going to come after me, because I’m the one who put him behind bars. I’m the one who gave the solid testimony—I’m the one who killed Eddie. If he comes after anyone, it’ll be me.”

“But you’re gone all the time. He _can’t_ get you. You’ll be in LA and I’m going to be here all alone.”

“You can stay with your family. They’ll protect you. Mike wouldn’t let anyone near you.”

“I wish I could just be with you in LA I’d stay in the hotel room all day if I had to. I don’t want to be here where Neil can find me.”

Vic was looking so devastated and Kellin wished there was more he could do. He hated being in this position because if it weren’t for Casey, he _could_ just bring Vic along. Vic could stay in the hotel room and no one would think anything of it… But there was no hotel room, because he was staying with Casey and he couldn’t back out.

“I-I’ll ask management if I can bring you to LA. I-I don’t see why they’d say no,” Kellin lied, desperate for Vic to stop crying before he hyperventilated or threw up.

“Really?” Vic asked, his big eyes looking so hopeful. Kellin hadn’t the heart to tell him no.

“Of course. I want you to be with me when I travel. I miss being with you when I’m gone. You know that…” Kellin leaned up and kissed Vic on the lips and then his cheek before moving to sit next to him on the bed. “You’re going to be fine. I promise. No one’s going to hurt you.”

Kellin pulled Vic into his chest again and held him tight, not letting go until he felt Vic’s body relax against him. 

“I promise, everything is going to be okay. Alright? I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Vic whispered, his eyes looking haunted as he slowly laid down. 

“Do you need anything? Where are you anxiety meds?”

“I already took them today…just before they called. Not that it’s going to help now…”

“Do you want me to get your pills?” Kellin asked, meaning the sleeping pills. That was how he perceived Vic to take care of everything—sedating himself until all his problems whisked away. 

“No… I-I don’t want to sleep.”

“Are you sure? You need to calm down.”

“I know… I’ll be fine. I’m just scared.”

“I know. I am, too. Neil’s the last guy on Earth I want to see, but… I promise he won’t come here. He doesn’t want to go back to jail and if someone targeted us, he’d be the first suspect. He couldn’t get away with it. He’s sick, but he’s not crazy.”

Slowly, Vic began to calm down. He stopped sobbing, but continued to shiver as Kellin held him and pressed kisses to his head. Every now and then his entire body would go tense, but Kellin resolved to just hold him a little less tightly when he did—knowing his partner was suffering through flashbacks. Truthfully, Kellin was experiencing much of the same.

Neil…

Neil wasn’t the vicious one. Trent had been the one who ended up dolling out the most tortures, but Neil was cruel in his own ways. He was the one who humiliated Vic, forced him to say embarrassing, demeaning things as he was brutalized. Neil knew how to get in their heads. Kellin had only suffered through one night between Neil and the other two.

Vic had never given a specific number but Kellin knew he’d been subjected to their tortures more than twice. 

He had so much more to fear…

“Baby, let’s go to your parents’ place tonight. How does that sound? We’ll stay with them…”

“Okay,” Vic whispered, still clutching at Kellin’s shirt. 

Kellin tried calming him down a little more, but nothing he said worked. Even after a short nap, Vic was still distraught and visibly upset. This was a setback, a very serious one, and though Kellin would try his best to be supportive, he had no idea how to cope with it. It had been so long since Vic had relapsed the last time, his nervous breakdown forcing him to give up on work, and Kellin wasn’t sure he could handle it all again…

At least this time he had Casey to lean on.

At least Kellin still had him…

( ) ( ) ( )

To help him calm down, Kellin had suggested they go to Vic’s parent for dinner. He called them on Vic’s behalf and invited Mike who agreed to come as well. Vic was still shaky, even after napping and spending the afternoon on the couch watching TV with Kellin. He kept remembering bad things, bursts of images playing over in his mind at random. A commercial would come on and his mind would slip away to some dark time when he didn’t have Kellin’s comforting arm around his shoulders.

Neil was the worst…

Worse than Eddie, worse than Trent…

Vic tried not to show how much it affected him when they finally arrived at his parents’ house. He immediately felt safer there, and comforted when his mother embraced him and kissed his cheek in welcome. 

She’d made enchiladas and Vic shared a small smile with Kellin who looked like he was about to burst with happiness when he saw his plate so full of food. He hardly ever got to eat real food while on the road with tour, so meals like this always made him so happy. 

Mike did most of the talking at dinner, telling stories about work and the girl he was seeing—who was too busy to make it to dinner. Vic appreciated that. He didn’t know if Kellin had told them about Neil being released or not, but regardless he didn’t have much he wanted to say. He was happy to let Mike talk, to let Kellin talk...to let Kellin explain why Vic wasn’t talking when his mother finally asked what was wrong. 

“They’re letting him out?! But it hasn’t been—Oh, God. Boys, I’m so sorry… Is there anything we can do? Is there another hearing?”

“No. It’s too late for that,” Kellin said softly. “They let him out and we just have...have to cope with it,” he added in a heavy sigh. “Right, Babe?” His sudden hand on Vic’s shoulder caused the other man to jump, earning him a pitying glance from his mother and father.

How pathetic he must seem to them… Compared to Kellin, he was so badly broken—beyond repair—and they all feared now that Neil’s release would be the thing which finally destroyed him. 

Vic was afraid they were right…

Right now, he had Kellin. But Kellin would leave again for tour—for his video shoot. He said Vic could come, but Vic knew it wasn’t an honest offer. Kellin didn’t want him to go and Vic didn’t know why.

Maybe it was because of the bad publicity that might get stirred up by his presence...maybe it was because of the phone calls he got at three a.m. 

After dinner they gathered in the living room to talk more and watch TV. Mike left shortly after that and though his mother offered that he and Kellin stay the night, Vic could tell his partner was anxious to get home—rapidly texting someone the two hours they stayed after dinner to watch a movie. 

When they got home, Kellin seemed to rush Vic into taking his pills and going to sleep. Vic wanted to stay up later, to hold Kellin and be held, but Kellin wasn’t having it. He said he wanted to take a shower—then changed his mind and said he was hungry and wanted to make himself something to eat when Vic suggested they shower together. He was avoidant and Vic didn’t know why… Maybe he was upset about Neil and just didn’t want to let on…

Vic let that thought lure him into the heavy abyss of sleep, but it seemed as though mere minutes had passed when he awoke to the sound of voices—angry voices—outside the bedroom door. He fought his lethargic limbs and struggled to sit up and focus on the voices coming from just out of sight.

_“Don’t_ do this! I told you! I _told_ you this was how it’s going to be! He… He needs to come with me. He needs to be with me!” That was Kellin’s voice, sharp and angry but also pleading.

“Baby?” Vic whined, fighting harder to get himself up from the bed.

_“Well I guess you’ll be staying in the hotel with him then. Maybe you can all share a bed—you and Jesse and him!”_ The voice was distorted and hard to hear, coming through the speaker of a cell phone.

“Oh fuck off!” The words were full of hurt and ended with a sob.

Vic whimpered in empathy of his lover, scared for him. He finally got his legs out from between the sheets and started trying to stand, clutching onto the headboard of their bed to keep his balance as his sleep-drenched limbs threatened to spill him onto the ground. 

_“Come on… Don’t cry.”_

“I’m not crying! Just quit calling me! I can’t deal with you _and_ him right now, alright?”

The man on the phone was saying something, but his voice was cut off abruptly and Vic heard a loud bang—followed by another, then another and then a resounding crash. He’d thrown his cell phone down the stairs.

Vic forced himself toward the door, struggling to keep his balance with every step. He fell against the bedroom door as he opened it, startling Kellin who was sitting on the hallway floor. He looked pathetic, his face streaked with tears and his eyes wide in fear as if he hadn’t expected to be caught.

“Babe, get back in bed—you’re gonna fall.” He moved quickly onto his feet and was pushing Vic back into their room before Vic could even speak a word of protest. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Who was that?” Vic asked, fumbling with every footstep he was forced to take until he was pushed down to sit on the bed.

“Nothing,” Kellin said, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

“What’s going on?” Vic asked, trying hard to wake up enough to make sense of the whole thing. 

“Nothing. Go back to sleep, Babe. You don’t need to worry.”

“Is your phone broken?” Vic asked, thinking out loud.

“I don’t know! Just go back to sleep—Just go to sleep, please!”

Vic flinched and laid back on the bed, not wanting to fight. 

“I’m sorry,” Kellin said, just as quickly. “God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” He leaned down to kiss Vic on the mouth, then sat next to him with his head in his hand. “I-I want you to come with me for the video, but you can’t… I don’t want to leave you here, but you...you can’t go with me.”

“Why?” Vic asked. Was it really that dangerous for the band? Was it really so unusual for a bandmate to bring a friend along? A partner? 

“Because it’ll make me lose everything! I don’t want to lose this. I worked so hard for my band… They’re counting on me. You understand, right? God...what am I saying? You’re not even… You need sleep.”

“Have you been drinking?” Vic asked, picking up now on a subtle slur in Kellin’s voice.

“What does it matter? I-I’m allowed to be stressed, too, okay? I’m allowed to be upset!”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Vic said, sitting up slowly. Kellin scooted away from him, then seemed to change his mind and leaned over to put his head on Vic’s shoulder. “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want to lose you...”

“You won’t.”

“With Neil out… I don’t want to leave you alone. You already worry too much about everything. I don’t want you to relapse. I don’t want you to get some crazy idea and then me come home to find you dead...”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me. You can go for three days. I’ll be fine here. Just...call and stuff. If your phone still works.”

“God, I’m a fucking mess,” Kellin whispered, standing up and leaving the bedroom with the door open behind him. Vic listened to him descend the stairs, heard him groan, then waited an unbearable amount of time for his boyfriend to come back and turn off the hall light. “Phone works...it’s cracked though. Camera’s busted...”

“I’m sorry,” Vic said, cuddling into Kellin’s chest when his boyfriend finally laid down beside him. Kellin didn’t respond, just typed out a text to some other person...then another...and another...all night.

( ) ( ) ( )

“You have to stop acting like this,” Kellin said. He felt so defeated as he looked at Casey across the living room of their Airbnb. As they spoke, alone in private, Vic was sitting alone in their condo—afraid for his life, and Kellin’s. He was so visibly upset that he couldn’t go with Kellin, even begging and promising not to let on at all that they were anything more than friends if Kellin let him come on the trip. His defeated eyes as he faked a smile when Kellin got in the car to leave hadn’t left the younger man’s mind all night.

“Stop acting like what?”

“A jealous lover...”

“Well that’s what I am. That’s what you’ve made me.”

“I told you I had someone serious back home. I don’t plan to leave him. I’m not going leave him for you… He’s number one. You know this.”

“For how long, Kellin? Face the facts. You don’t love him like you do me. You’re just wrapped around his finger. You just feel bad for him because he won’t take care of himself. Nothing else keeps you two together. You’re not _happy_ when you’re home with him.”

“Yes, I am happy when I’m with him.”

“Then why do you text me all night? Why are you here with _me_ while he’s back in the hotel? Stop lying to yourself.”

“I text you because you’re really damn annoying when I don’t.” He was texting Vic now, wishing his boyfriend good dreams because he said he was tired and couldn’t wait up any longer for Kellin to call him to wish him goodnight. 

“I can tell you’re upset every time you go home, Kell! He stresses you out and you don’t need that. Going home is supposed to be relaxing, not even more stressful than the road! You need to leave him. Stay with me. You told me I make you happy.”

“You don’t even know me,” Kellin said, sending Casey a cold look. They did so well together whenever Casey didn’t pull shit like this. Why wouldn’t he leave things as they were? Vic was his boyfriend. Casey was his lover. They didn’t need to change it.

“Because you won’t let me in! I wouldn’t talk to the press about you. You have to trust me by now...”

“It’s not about the press.”

“Then what is it about? Your nightmares? Why do you have to call him when you have them? You could always just talk to me and you wouldn’t _need him_ anymore.”

“Quit asking me! He’s my boyfriend! We live together—we love each other. Stop. Just stop trying to change things!” Kellin cried, scowling at Casey between texts.

Vic was texting him words of love and longing… He had no idea of the things Kellin had been doing behind his back every single day since they’d arrived.

“Why?” Casey asked, like he couldn’t understand at all. “You’re happy with me. Happier than you are when you’re with him. Why wouldn’t I want you to leave this loser who makes you miserable, Kellin?”

“Don’t call him that!”

“It’s what he is! He’s a bum! He stays at home and spends your money!”

“He has his own!”

“He needs to get a life! You don’t have to provide one for him! He drains you!”

“He has a life! It’s with me! Stop it!” Kellin stood from the chair and went into the kitchen to get another bottle of beer. 

“This isn’t what I had planned for us,” Casey said, following him. Always, always following him to keep up the fight.

“I told you in the beginning I had someone at home. You said you could handle it.” Kellin said, staring at the granite counter tops.

“Because I didn’t expect you to fall in love with me...or for me to fall in love with you. But I love you, Kellin. I don’t care who you were before you started touring… I know the man you are now and he’s a very different person from whoever you were when you met Vic. He doesn’t make you happy anymore. You deserve to be happy, even if he can’t.”

Was that true? Kellin wondered.

Vic was his home and shelter...but was Casey right? Was he really unhappy and just turning a blind eye to his own suffering for Vic’s sake? How much easier would life be if he could just forget all about Eddie and never be reminded of him again? How much happier could he be if he put all of Vic’s problems in his rear view mirror and never looked back?

How much easier would things have been if he’d kept running down that deserted road, didn’t climb back over the fence, and bring Vic out with him? What if he’d left Vic to die instead? 

Then he would have gone home, learned about Brad and the baby, and suffered through it alone. He was weaker back then. He would’ve committed suicide. He saved Vic’s life and Vic saved his...

And if he left Vic now, Vic would die without him… 

“Does he _really_ make you happy, Kellin?” Casey asked, wrapping his warm arms around Kellin’s waist and nuzzling into the back of his neck. “The way I do?”

Kellin would die without him… 

But Casey didn’t need to know that...and they didn’t need to fight. If he could just put this off for now, Casey would settle down, get this idea out of his head, and shut up about it for at least a month or two more.

“Let’s just go to bed,” Kellin said, turning around and kissing Casey on the mouth. Casey returned the kiss deeply, holding onto the back of Kellin’s neck as he worked their tongues together. Casey wasn’t going to protest anymore tonight. He never did once Kellin suggested they fuck. 

Casey was smart… He knew that was the one thing he had which Vic didn’t. If he had anything that would make Kellin stay, it was what they did together in the dark.

( ) ( ) ( )

The heavy thudding came over and over—followed by Kellin’s shrill cries and heavy moans. Eddie was hurting him so badly and no matter how had Vic tried, he couldn’t get to them. He crawled across the floor, dragging himself centimeter by centimeter as the door to the bedroom seemed to retreat miles from him.

Kellin shrieked, Vic cried out for him.

His partner needed him and Vic couldn’t save him. He couldn’t help him—he was too far away. 

In that bedroom, Eddie had his fingers wrapped around Kellin’s throat. He was squeezing it, choking off Kellin’s screams. He had a club in his hand, the broken off leg of a chair, and was smashing it against Kellin’s face. 

Vic couldn’t save him. 

Kellin was being killed, and Vic couldn’t save him.

He screamed for Kellin, screamed as loud and as hard as he could. He couldn’t get his feet under him to stand, couldn’t pull himself up. He couldn’t save Kellin…

Eddie was going to kill him. 

There was blood staining everything. That was when Vic realized it himself, the reason he couldn’t stand. Eddie had stabbed him, cut him through the chest. He was crawling in a river of his own blood and as he gripped at the gaping wound, he realized the hole in chest had grown so wide that his heart had fallen out.

His heart was gone, leaving a bleeding, massive hole between his shattered ribs. 

As soon as he felt it, he couldn’t breathe. He gasped and gasped, but no air would fill his lungs. How could it? His lungs were punctured. 

He was going to die. And Kellin was going to die. 

Now he couldn’t even scream. Blood just pooled in his mouth until he gagged. Until he choked.

Until he drowned.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic woke up vomiting, choking on it. He panicked and rolled onto his side—fell off the bed and hit his head on the nightstand on his way down. It was still pitch black in the bedroom and Vic’s limbs felt heavy as he tried to reach for the lamp. By the time he finally switched it on, he’d vomited a second time and slipped in the mess when he tried to stand up.

He stumbled to the bathroom and stripped off his clothes before crawling into the shower and turning it on. He sat on the floor, even as he adjusted the water temperature—afraid that if he stood up, he’d collapse. His pills were still in his system, trying to keep him under, and he knew that if he wasn’t careful he could pass back out at any moment. 

He spat into the shower and cupped his hands to catch water he could use to rinse his mouth. It took him a moment to remember what he’d been dreaming, but when it came back to him he started sobbing. He was tired of these nightmares. The pills were supposed to stop them, but lately they were just making him sick.

Lately meaning since Kellin had gone away to shoot the video or whatever he was doing with his band for so long…

After he’d rinsed off and changed clothes, brushed his teeth and cleaned the filth off the floor in the bedroom (and stripped the sheets off the bed to be dealt with in the morning), Vic collapsed back onto the bare mattress and put his cell phone to his ear, listening to the soft ringing from the other side. He figured he’d just get voicemail, but even hearing Kellin’s voice then would be enough to calm his racing heart.

But it wasn’t Kellin’s voicemail message that greeted him. It wasn’t Kellin at all.

“What do you want this late?”

Vic sat up and stared at the screen of his phone. Had he dialed someone else by mistake? 

No… The screen said Kellin.

“Who is this?” Vic asked, his voice shaking.

“What do you want this late?” The man asked again. His tone was indifferent, tired… As if Kellin had woken him up. But it didn’t sound like anyone Vic had met—not a single member of Kellin’s band.

“Who is this?” Vic asked. 

“It’s three in the morning. What can you _possibly_ need?”

“Where’s Kellin?” Vic asked, his mind flashing back to the images in his nightmare. Was he hurt? Dead? Was this man someone connected to Eddie? Or Neil?

“Look, you have to stop this. You are _so_ selfish. He needs rest. So why don’t you take another mouthful of your pills and go back to sleep?”

“Who the hell are you?” Vic snapped. “What have you done with Kellin?”

“Kellin’s asleep.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Vic asked, trying his best to sound fierce as his stomach threatened to heave again.

“My name is Casey. Kellin’s staying with me.”

“Are you part of the crew?” Vic asked, a cold feeling washing over him. 

Who was this man answering Kellin’s phone in the middle of the night?

“No. Look...Kellin’s alseep. You can’t keep doing this to him. Now I know he doesn’t want you to know about me, but I can’t do this anymore. You need to know that I exist. He’s with me.”

Vic ended the call without saying anything, staring at the blank screen on his phone. He wanted to cry, to throw up again, but he was frozen. 

Was that it? Was that the reason it took three days to shoot a promo video? Because Kellin was seeing someone else and wanted to spend time with him instead?

His stunned silence was broken when his screen lit up with a text…from Kellin. 

Not Kellin.

Vic held his phone and began to cry, his chest almost too tight for him to sob when his eyes landed and a photo of his Kellin laying naked in some other bed. He had his hands curled up by his chest like always, his face half buried in the pillow while his naked thigh poked out from the sheets...the pale skin curving to his hip all exposed. 

Vic couldn’t breathe. He set his phone aside, and laid down. He stared at the ceiling crying, but not able to breathe. 

The nightmare had been so real all along…

His heart had been torn to pieces. Ripped right out of his chest. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic wouldn’t answer his texts or his calls. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d overslept after taking his pills late, but it still made Kellin worried. He sent Mike a text asking him to check in on him, but promised he was on his way home after getting something to eat for lunch.

“Would you stop texting your boyfriend and pay at least a little attention to me?” Casey asked across the table. Kellin glanced up at him long enough to send him a cold glare, then turned his focus back to his phone. 

It was after two o’clock. Where was Vic?

“Come on!”

“Stop it,” Kellin muttered. “Something’s wrong.”

“Maybe he figured out about us...”

“Don’t say that,” Kellin growled, reading a text from Mike.

_Vic says he’s fine. Woke up sick?_

_“Is he mad at me?”_ Kellin asked.

_Won’t say. Doing laundry. Hasn’t touched his phone. Not talking to me either._

Maybe it was the nightmares again…

“Pay attention to me,” Casey said, kicking Kellin’s foot under the table.

“I’m sorry… I’m worried about Vic.”

“Kellin, I mean it when I say he’s not good for you.”

“I can’t take this right now… I’m sorry, but I’ve told you and I _keep_ telling you, Vic is number one. And something is wrong with him. I have to go.”

Casey argued, but Kellin didn’t stick around to hear it. He gathered his things and left the restaurant. His car was parked at the Airbnb still, so he had to hail a cab—and then share it with Casey who was fuming at him for trying to walk off.

“I can’t believe you’re going to do this. Why do you have to go home to him? All he does is stress you out, so why?” He kept asking it, over and over. Why? Why, why, why?

“I love him,” Kellin said as he threw the last of his luggage into the car and left, not bothering to give his fuming lover a kiss goodbye.

His mind was on Vic the whole way home. Mike called him to say Vic asked him to leave the condo because he wanted to be alone, and that made everything worse. Vic hated to be alone. He hated solitude more than anything. So why would he ask Mike to leave? What was going on with him?

Kellin was so afraid he was shaking by the time he walked up to the front door of his and Vic’s condo. What if Vic had hurt himself? What if he was in there dead? 

Kellin didn’t want to see him like that again—his skin grey and his eyes empty. The memories were too much to take as it was. 

_Please… Please be okay. Please, please,_ Kellin thought as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. Relief washed over him when he heard the kitchen sink running and the clinking of dishes.

Vic was cleaning. He was doing dishes which meant he’d been eating. 

Kellin barely remembered to shut the door behind him before he rushed to the kitchen, wrapping Vic up in his arms the very instant he laid eyes on him. 

“Thank God!” Kellin exclaimed, squeezing Vic as tightly as he could.

Vic whimpered and started pushing against his chest, causing Kellin to let go and settle for kissing him on the lips—only Vic turned away from him. Pulled away from him.

“I didn’t think you were coming home today,” Vic said, sounding so far away as he stared at the dishes in the sink. 

“What are you talking about? I’ve been trying to call you all day. I texted you a hundred times.”

Vic sniffled and just stared at the dishes. He’d been crying...a lot, by the looks of it. 

“Vic? What’s wrong?” Kellin asked, rubbing Vic’s arm only to have his boyfriend pull away from him.

“Do you...still love me?” Vic asked, his eyes still focused on the sink.

“Of course I do! What kind of kind of question is that? Where is this coming from?” Kellin felt his chest tighten. Casey had become jealous, what was to stop him from calling Vic in the middle of the night and saying something stupid? Last night...had he stayed up? Was he awake after Kellin fell asleep? Did he cause this?

“I… I need to be sure,” Vic said, going back to washing dishes until Kellin turned off the sink.

“Stop this! What’s wrong? Of course I still love you. Why would you ask me that? Do… Do you still love me?”

Casey did this...didn’t he?

“I… I called you last night.”

“Baby, I was sleeping. If I didn’t answer, that’s why.”

“He answered.”

Kellin had to fight to keep his face blank, and fight hard.

“Who? Justin?”

“Casey,” Vic said, locking his eyes with Kellin’s.

“I don’t know anyone with that name.”

“Please don’t lie to me,” Vic said.

“I’m not lying!”

“He sent me a picture of you...in bed with him. You’re seeing someone else. So what do you need me for?”

“Vic, I… I shared a room with Justin. Are you sure it wasn’t just Justin playing games?”

“Am I sure?” Vic asked, locking eyes with him. 

“I’m not seeing anyone but you. Baby, you’re sounding all crazy. I’ll talk to Justin. H-He was playing some stupid game.”

“It was not Justin,” Vic said. “It was some man named Casey. Who...” Vic looked like he was about to be sick. “Who are you seeing when you’re on tour?”

“No one. It was Justin. I promise.” He felt so, so sick when Vic shook his head, huffed out a little laugh, and then started to cry. 

“Whatever…”

“Vic...”

“I know you’re lying. I… I expected something like this to happen, but I never expected you to lie to me. Not to my face.” Vic left the kitchen then and went upstairs, ignoring Kellin who followed behind him. 

“Vic, please! I want to talk about this...”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t...I don’t want to know. I don’t...want to deal with this.”

“You don’t want to deal with anything ever! That’s the problem with us.”

Vic had gone into the bathroom and was shaking two of his sleeping pills out into his palm. At the sight of them, Kellin lost his temper. Those pills...all they did was help Vic avoid his problems.

He slapped Vic’s hand, knocking the pills into the sink, and yanked the bottle from his fingers.

“Stop it with these already! Stop! Why can’t you just have a conversation with me? If you could just _try_ to face your problems, you’d get better. Don’t you see that? I want you to get better, but you’re _not._ It’s been _years! _You’re not _coping!_ ”__

__“How am I supposed to cope, Kellin!? How am I supposed to cope when you leave me alone all the time? I hate being here by myself! I hate being alone!”_ _

__“Then go see your family—stay with Mike or Jaime once in a while!”_ _

__“I don’t want to be a burden to everyone!”_ _

__“The only person who sees you as a burden is yourself!”_ _

__“And you—and Casey!” He spoke the other man’s name like a sob and the hurt in his eyes was enough to make Kellin feel sick. “You know what he said to me?--That I was selfish, that I couldn’t keep going to you when I needed you. He said I needed to swallow another fistful of fucking pills and leave you alone. Is that what you want?!”_ _

__“What? He—He said that?” Kellin asked, his stomach lurching. Casey could’ve killed him. Vic was a mess, depressed, suicidal on even his best days. How _dare_ Casey say something so heartless—even if he didn’t know what Vic had been through._ _

__“So you’re done denying him?”_ _

__“Vic, you’re not a burden.”_ _

__“So you’re done denying him?” Vic repeated._ _

__Kellin let out a heavy sigh and sank down onto the edge of the bathtub, his head down as he tried to think of anything he could say to make the situation better. There was nothing… Absolutely nothing he could say to make this better or get it to go away._ _

__“Who is he?”_ _

__“Guitar tech… Someone else’s band.”_ _

__“I hope you’re happy with him,” Vic said, picking his pills out of the sink and swallowing them down with a small bit of water._ _

__“It’s not what you think.”_ _

__“You’d have better luck convincing me of that if he weren’t answering your phone in the middle of the night.”_ _

__“He shouldn’t have done that—”_ _

__“You shouldn’t have been in bed with him!” Vic screamed. The ferocity in his voice was enough to make Kellin’s head snap up. “How could you do this to me? If you didn’t want me, you should’ve left me! You shouldn’t have saved me! I have nothing to live for but you. I’d rather be dead!”_ _

__“Don’t say that. Casey means _nothing_ to me. He’s...he’s just a fuck. He’s just a fuck while I’m out on the road and don’t have you.”_ _

__“How many others are there?”_ _

__“None.”_ _

__“You know, somehow that makes it worse,” Vic said, sending Kellin one last scowl before heading into the bedroom and laying down. Kellin followed and sat beside him, even though he saw the way Vic cringed away from him._ _

__“Vic, I didn’t mean for it to turn into this.”_ _

__“You should’ve left me.”_ _

__“Don’t say that. I wouldn’t be anything without you. It’s because of you that I’m even alive. I wouldn’t have survived if you and your family hadn’t taken me in.”_ _

__“Thanks for showing me how much that matters to you now.”_ _

__“I’m only with him for a fuck!”_ _

__“Why can’t you just wait until you get home? I do! I don’t go sleeping with someone else every time I’m in the mood and you’re gone.”_ _

__“It’s not… It’s not just the sex. It’s...” God, how was he supposed to say this? Part of him didn’t even know why he was bothering to say it. He knew he couldn’t deny it anymore—knew he couldn’t lie or hide. So maybe if he explained, Vic would be more forgiving. “There...There are things I just can’t do with you. You know that. Things you aren’t okay with. I’d never want to _hurt_ you.”_ _

__“I don’t want to hear this.”_ _

__“I just want you to understand! I don’t love him.” That was a lie. It was a lie and he was so afraid Vic would see through it. Why was Vic smart enough to figure him out, but not able to realize he could love two men at once—and for different reasons?_ _

__“Then stop seeing him. You can’t have both of us...And I want to stay with you. I don’t want to give up...but I know that I’m not enough for you. I know that now… He gives you everything I can’t, and everything I can. You don’t need me anymore.”_ _

__“That’s not true. You’re my _partner._ ”_ _

__“I’m nothing. No one.”_ _

__“Don’t say things like that. You’re everything to me!”_ _

__“Clearly, I’m not. I can’t be everything and also not enough.”_ _

__Kellin let out a heavy sigh and dared to place his hand on Vic’s calf. He didn’t expect the gentle touch to cause his boyfriend to moan in pain and pull away._ _

__“Why would you do this to me? If you didn’t want me, you should’ve told me,” Vic cried, sounding broken as his voice shuddered._ _

__“I do want you… It was a mistake. It never should’ve started, and I’ll end it. I’ll end it tonight.”_ _

__“I know you, Kellin. It’ll never be over.”_ _

__“What do you mean?”_ _

__“You can’t expect me to trust you now.”_ _

__Kellin sighed and buried his head in his hands. He was going to get Casey for this. He was going to destroy that man… If Vic tried to leave—one way or another—Casey wasn’t going to survive the night._ _

__“Do you still love me?” Vic mumbled, pulling Kellin out of his thoughts. The room had turned dark and Kellin couldn’t remember where the time had gone._ _

__“Of course I do. I love you more than anything,” Kellin said, laying down and folding himself against Vic’s back. Vic was too medicated—maybe even still asleep—to pull away._ _

__“Do you...love me?” Vic repeated._ _

__“Yes,” Kellin said, kissing the back of Vic’s neck. His boyfriend’s breaths were coming so slow and even. He was sound asleep and still unhappy...still haunted by what Kellin had done. “I’m sorry.”_ _

__“Love...you,” Vic whispered, shifting just a few millimeters backward until his back was flush against Kellin’s chest._ _

__“I love you too, baby,” Kellin mumbled, wondering sincerely if this was the last time he’d ever hear Vic say those words to him—when he wasn’t even awake to know what he was saying._ _


	4. Chapter 4

Vic stayed in bed for two entire days after Kellin came home. He got up to use the bathroom once, then refused to eat or drink and didn’t get up again until late in the evening on that second night. Kellin had tried getting him up to at least take his meds, but Vic said there wasn’t a point now. He took his medication so he could be a better partner, so he could fight the bad memories and keep his present and his future in check. Now, he said, it didn’t matter. 

Kellin tried telling him that was bullshit, tried arguing with him, but Vic just rolled over and went back to sleep. 

Then he finally came downstairs and sat next to Kellin on the sofa—a huge gap between them on the cushions—and stared at the horror movie playing on TV. Kellin was afraid to talk to him, afraid he’d make Vic get upset again and go back upstairs. 

So he stayed quiet. 

They sat in silence until the movie was over two hours later. 

Only then did Vic finally say something.

“I think...I’m going to move out.”

“I don’t want you to move out,” Kellin said. “This is our home. We made it together.”

“There’s no ‘together’… There’s no ‘we.’”

“That’s not true. I made a mistake, alright? It was a mistake. I don’t want to lose you, and you said you didn’t want to give up on us either.”

“I can’t...trust you anymore. I don’t… I don’t think I’m right for you. I’ve been thinking a lot about it—”

“Vic, I fucked up! I’m sorry! I’m going to make it up to you. I know you don’t trust me right now, but we’ll get better. We’ll get past this. Don’t give up on me.”

“You deserve better,” Vic said, staring at the floor. He hadn’t looked at Kellin at all. 

“I don’t want anyone else. I’m sorry for what I did. I-I… I know you can’t forgive it. I can’t explain it or… Out there, everything is different. Everyone is screwing groupies or have their girlfriends on the bus. I got...I got messed up that night and… I don’t know. I rationalized it somehow and thought I could have both—a partner on the road and you at home and everything would be fine. I never meant for you to find out or for him to think we were serious.”

“You’d be better single...so you can have those things. Isn’t that the best part of tour? You can screw a million people and it’s okay? I’m just holding you back.”

“No you’re not! You’re the only thing that keeps me sane, Vic! I never told Casey about Eddie or any of that shit. He doesn’t _know_ me.”

“You can forget about Eddie. You can go on with Casey and never have to tell him and never have to think about it again. I know you want to forget and I know I remind you of him every day.”

“I don’t care! It happened and I can’t forget about it any more than you can. I’ve tried. It’ll always be there and you’ll always be the only one who understand me. Just like I understand you. I know not to push you, not to hug you too tight when you’re sleeping—I know you. You never have to explain anything to me. That’s why you can’t go… You won’t...you won’t do well on your own.”

“I’m already on my own.”

“No, you’re not. I’m here. I know you’re mad at me. I know I hurt you...probably worse than anyone else ever has.”

“Everyone cheats on me, Kellin. I was stupid to think you’d be any different.”

“Vic, please! I’ll make it up to you any way I can! I don’t want you to move out. I don’t want you to leave me!”

“You don’t need me anymore.”

“Yes I do! I keep telling you, I fucked up! I’m sorry! I haven’t texted him at all! I’m done with him. I won’t see him again. He won’t even be on the next tour!”

“You’ll just find someone else… You deserve someone else. I can’t give you what you need anymore. You deserve better.”

“I want you! Please, don’t do this. I love you so much. I won’t function if you go. I won’t ever forgive myself!”

Vic looked conflicted, his eyes closing as he furrowed his brow. He came downstairs merely to tell Kellin he wanted out, and now Kellin was forcing him to reconsider and he didn’t like it.

“I want you to stay with me. I know I hurt you, but I’ll spend my whole life making it up to you if that’s what it takes. I could never love anyone the way I do you...”

Vic was quiet a long time, and then began sniffling.

Kellin couldn’t stand it. He never meant for this to happen. He never wanted to make Vic cry…

It reminded him of Eddie… It reminded him of Vic sobbing that first time Kellin had tried to run away and failed.

What was it Vic said that day? 

_“I’m dead now! Don’t you get that? I’m dead!”_

Something like that… And the same was true now. He’d broken Vic’s heart. Kellin’s love really was the only thing that kept him functioning, wasn’t it?

That was sad… It wasn’t Kellin’s fault Vic was so unhealthily dependent on him, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Vic had nothing else. He couldn’t get another partner with how anxious he was, and he wouldn’t stay with his parents because he didn’t want to be a burden. He wanted the same life every other adult around him had—his own place with a lover, and a life to call his own. Kellin had single-handedly helped build that dream, and then crushed it.

“Vic?”

“I don’t believe you’re going to stop seeing him… And I can’t stay if you’re seeing him.”

“I’ll do anything to prove it. You can put a tracking app on my phone if you want. Anything… I’ll let you see all my texts, all my calls. I don’t want to lose you. Not for him or anyone.”

Vic buried his face in his hands and said nothing for a very, very long time. He was crying and trying to hide it, but Kellin could tell just by the subtle shaking of his shoulders. 

He was so angry at Casey for causing this… There was no reason Vic had to know. Things would’ve been perfect for everyone if that idiot hadn’t gotten jealous.

“I just don’t understand… Why? Why am I not enough?”

“You are… I was stupid. It was just…it was just sex. It was dumb.”

“Wh-what does he have that I don’t?”

“Nothing. You’re perfect,” Kellin said, cringing at how violently Vic shuddered when he said it. How could he be perfect if Kellin had to go to someone else for satisfaction?

“Does he do...something different?”

“He lets me top. That’s it. That’s all there is. He’s never… I-I’ve never let him do to me what...what you do. He never tops me, I mean. And we always used protection. I’d never put you at risk.”

“I’m still getting tested,” Vic said, bitterness in his voice because they both knew how much he hated doctors and hospitals—and especially disease screens. 

“I’ll get tested. I’ll show you the results. Then you don’t have to go. If you have anything, I have it, right? So I’ll go. You don’t have to go through that.”

“Show the papers?”

“I’ll show you, even if there’s bad news. There won’t be, I promise. But if there is, somehow, I’ll tell you.”

“I don’t want to have something from him,” Vic croaked, looking like he was about to be sick. “I’d rather be dead.”

“Vic…I promise, you don’t have anything.”

“Is he really the only one?” Vic asked, finally looking at Kellin—but only to gauge his expression when he answered.

“Yes. I haven’t touched anyone else. Not anyone. It was a mistake.”

“One time is a mistake. This was a choice,” Vic said, looking bitter as he turned his gaze back to the floor. 

“A bad one… I don’t want to lose you, Vic. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

“Let me see your phone,” Vic said.

Kellin expected Vic to ask it of him, and had deleted all of his recent texts to Casey—calling him every name under the sun for what he did to Vic. He left several “unanswered” messages from Casey the night Kellin came home, but that was all. He left the photos though… The ones he’d taken of Casey out on the road. For the sake of honesty, it felt wrong to delete them before Vic saw them. 

He unlocked his phone and handed it over, staring at Vic as he swiped through Kellin’s texts and his photos.

“So this is him… I don’t blame you. He looks a lot better than me.” Vic locked the phone and tossed it on the cushion between him and Kellin. “I don’t feel well.”

“You haven’t eaten… Or had anything to drink. Do you want to go out for dinner?”

“No.”

“I can order something.”

“I don’t...want food.”

“You have to eat.”

“I really don’t.”

“Vic, you have to eat. We’ve been through this a million times.” 

Vic had never argued about eating when Kellin was home before. It was always something he did when Kellin was on the road—skipping meals, eating barely enough to stay alive. He wasn’t fighting it anymore, Kellin realized. Whatever mask he’d had on every time Kellin came home, he’d tossed away. 

This was him… This sad, broken creature that hardly crawled out of bed and never ate was his true partner.

“I don’t want anything to eat. I’ll just get sick.”

“You’ll get sick because you haven’t eaten in two days. I’ll order something. What do you want?”

“I’m not hungry,” Vic repeated, standing up from the couch. “I’m going to shower.”

“I’m ordering dinner,” Kellin said, firmly. He wasn’t going to let Vic do this to himself. Not because of him. 

“I’m not hungry,” Vic repeated, going upstairs where Kellin heard the shower begin to run. He quickly ordered pizza and chicken wings for delivery, then went to stand outside the bathroom door—listening to make sure Vic didn’t do anything to hurt himself.

There was no rattling of pill bottles over the rush of water, no hiss of pain signaling the slice of a razor blade, but Kellin could still hear him crying. He listened to Vic sob until he started to gag, then listened to his heavy breaths as he tried to calm himself down…

Knowing he’d caused this—knowing Vic was in so much pain and he could do nothing to help—hurt him more than anything. 

He’d never expected for this to happen…

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin would be going back on tour soon, and nothing had really gotten any better between them. For the first two weeks they argued about who would sleep where. Vic said he’d sleep on the couch, Kellin refused to allow it. He slept on the couch a while, then asked if he could share their bed again. Vic wasn’t really ready for it, but Kellin looked so sad when he asked and Vic felt it too cruel to turn him away.

After all, what did he expect? He couldn’t be everything Kellin needed—who was he to be jealous of that other man? Who was he to hold it over Kellin’s head when he was the one too afraid to change?

Vic knew if he still wanted to have a boyfriend after the next tour, he would have to be forgiving. Kellin felt bad for now, but if he left for tour and nothing had changed, then he wouldn’t be coming home—not to Vic.

So he let Kellin sleep next to him, and even caved and let himself push past his agony to hold Kellin as he slept—just like he used to. After that they went back to kissing and sitting close together on the couch, but for Vic, nothing had really gotten _better._

He ate dinner, excused himself to the bathroom, threw up from stress, and then laid down for a while before Kellin would come to join him. For the past few days Kellin kept commenting on how thin Vic was getting—suggesting he go see a doctor because something might be wrong.

Vic refused. 

Kellin’s STD screen had come back clean, so he was clean—and that was as far as he was willing to go with the topic. He didn’t want any doctors touching him unless they had to. So if Vic hadn’t caught anything through Kellin from that disgusting, low-life sleaze Casey, he wouldn’t go. 

Kellin left for the three weeks he had to for whatever band related bullshit he had to do in LA, but texted Vic and called him constantly—always trying to prove is innocence and doing whatever he could to show Vic there was no one else around him. He sent too many photos of himself in the hotel room with the guys or with the digital alarm clock behind him to show he took the photo when he claimed he did…

Vic was responsive, but not nearly as much as he used to be. He was still hurting and he couldn’t jump with excitement whenever his partner sent him a text. He watched his phone ring sometimes and let it go to voicemail. 

Kellin promised Casey wasn’t there, but Vic couldn’t find it in his heart to believe that. 

Even so, he found himself going back to his old habit of cleaning up the house and changing all the bedding for Kellin’s return. He went with their black and white bed set this time, put off by the bright and cheery colors he’d had before. 

Kellin came home with flowers and gifts, and Vic would be lying if he said his heart didn’t warm just a touch at how happy Kellin seemed to be with him again. He made dinner, they watched a movie, and went to go to sleep in the same bed. 

It was then, just before Vic’s pills got the best of him, Kellin stated he’d be leaving again soon for a five month tour. There would be breaks in between that he’d come home, he promised, but Vic’s heart broke regardless. 

Five months… Five more months he’d spend on the road with that other man. He promised Casey wouldn’t be there, said the guys would vouch for that—but “the guys” had kept Kellin’s secret this long and Vic doubted they’d start deceiving Kellin now.

He couldn’t hide the fact that he was wounded no matter how hard he tried, and Kellin seemed to make it his personal mission to fix him. He was kinder than he’d ever been, played the role of the needy one for a change and acted as if he couldn’t function if Vic weren’t with him—trying to prove he was loyal, Vic guessed.

Then, a month before Kellin was slated to leave again, they slept together.

It was terrible. Vic knew it was and he hated every second of it. It wasn’t the same. He couldn’t even stand to look at his partner. His mind was too full of images of Kellin with that other man. Kellin swore he never let Casey be on top with him, but he’d lied about every other thing—Vic couldn’t trust him. He couldn’t believe him even though he wanted to… And when he looked down at his boyfriend as he touched him, he had the same thoughts over and over:

Is this how Casey saw him? Is that what Casey got to see? How many times had Casey had him like this? Did Casey know the only way to get Kellin off was to say his name? How did he sound saying Kellin’s name?

_Was Kellin thinking of that other man now?_

Vic willed himself to sleep as quickly as he could after they’d both finished, not wanting to give himself time to dwell on how horrible it all was while Kellin was there to witness him falling apart. He’d wanted to throw up. He’d wanted to start crying and hide himself away. 

But he hadn’t. 

He laid still, held Kellin to his chest, and made himself go to sleep. 

The next day, Kellin asked that they go shopping together—pick out some new furniture. Vic hadn’t wanted to go, but somehow, in that nearly empty discount furniture store, he’d been able to find a moment of peace. He was able to forget, for just a moment, that there was something wrong between them, as they looked at cheap furniture or planned out their dining room. 

The hand-me-down dining room table could go—be replaced with a sleek, black one with matching, high-back chairs. They decided on a black and white theme together, even picked out what center piece they wanted since the bowl of fake fruit was just too outdated now to even be considered ironic. 

Two glass dishes that would each hold a mixture of black and white stones, then a tall vase with fake white lilies in the center. It was chique...simple. Looked like something out of a magazine when Vic thought about it. 

It excited him—he loved homemaking more than anything. It was comforting to watch his small condo turn into a dream home more and more each year. He and Kellin didn’t have much money, but everything they had was so much more superior than anything Eddie had owned. No saggy couches, no stained paint, no chipped dressers, no cracked tables. Everything was new and clean and fresh…

Now their dining area would be new and clean and fresh—far better than anything Eddie could’ve even dreamed of having. 

It was Vic’s subtle way of saying “fuck you” to that psychotic asshole. “Fuck you” and “I’m better than you.” 

So they scheduled the delivery of all their new things and carried out all the things they could fit in the car (the vases, stones, and a few new dishes and place mats). Kellin suggested they go out for dinner and Vic, taking advantage of his lack of social anxiety for the day, smiled genuinely for the first time in months and agreed. 

Dinner went well and when they got home, they sat together on the couch to watch a movie on TV. 

Vic laid with his head in Kellin’s lap, letting himself be comforted by the gentle motions of Kellin’s fingers in his hair. 

He wanted it to stay like this. If he could pretend nothing had happened...if he could just forget, then everything would be as it had been. But forgetting had never been a strength of his.

“Do you still love me?” Vic blurted out, staring up at Kellin while Kellin watched television.

“More than anything,” Kellin answered, not offering any more of a statement than that. He didn’t get defensive for once. He just petted Vic’s hair, glanced down at him with a smile, then looked back at the television. 

Vic let it go at that, trying to trust in Kellin’s words. It was hard… Harder than forgetting Eddie… He didn’t want to get hurt again and he knew staying here with Kellin was just inviting that to happen again.

But he wasn’t ready to let go. He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay with him, go furniture shopping and pick out bed sheet sets together. He wanted to make their house even more of a home…

He wanted a family.

The thought hit him like a punch in the gut and his eyes snapped open.

He wanted a family…

It took the air out of his lungs. Maybe it was because of the fight. Maybe it was because of his insecurities—after all, how many people ended up getting pregnant thinking of it as a last ditch effort to preserve their relationship? But they couldn’t do that… Not on a whim and not by accident.

They’d never even discussed it. Not once. Not ever… Not even at Eddie’s when they fantasized about home every day. 

“What’s wrong?” Kellin asked, looking down at Vic with all the concern in the world. 

He still loved him… He couldn’t look that worried and not.

And didn’t couples who loved each other start families?

No… Not all of them. Not ones where the father figure was out on the road nine months out of the year. No organization was going to help them adopt knowing Kellin would never be home. And Vic could never ask Kellin to give it all up for a boring family life.

“Vic? Are you okay?”

It was just a stupid impulse, that was what Vic told himself as he sat up and shook his head. It was just an impulse. A strong fantasy that had come out of nowhere—it didn’t deserve true attention.

“Yeah. Sorry… I was thinking about something.” Vic got up from the couch to get water and Kellin followed close behind him, putting an arm around him at the sink.

“You can tell me if it was—”

“It wasn’t anything bad. I just...realized something I forgot,” Vic said, trying to fake a convincing smile.

“Realized something?” Kellin asked.

“Nothing about us. I promised my dad I’d...paint today. Didn’t even think about it until just now.”

“Oh,” Kellin said, his brow furrowed as he looked Vic in the eye. He didn’t believe him, but he chose not to fight. “Guess he didn’t need you too bad if he didn’t call.”

“Yeah… It’s weird. I’m gonna take a shower,” Vic said, not even taking a drink of the water he’d poured himself before he pulled away from Kellin and headed upstairs. It surprised him when Kellin appeared in the bathroom mirror behind him. 

“Can I come?” Kellin asked, leaning in the doorway looking hopeful.

Vic started to say no, really tried to, but whatever fantasy he was letting control his head won out. He wasn’t ready for them to go back to acting like nothing had ever happened—his heart wasn’t ready, anyway. But something in him was so desperate to preserve that fantasy of the perfect home life, the perfect _house,_ that he caved and smiled a convincing fake smile and said okay. 

It wasn’t so bad this time. He was able to put Casey out of his mind this time… Kellin kept pulling his attention back whenever he’d even start to drift away. It was hard to stay in the present, but he managed—only a few flickers of Eddie’s kitchen passing through his head. It was a good memory—one of the few he had from those days—of Kellin getting him off in Eddie’s kitchen that first time. 

They had been so playful with each other back then. 

When did that go away? When did the toying around stop? 

When they grew up? 

That didn’t make sense… Kellin was always pranking and taunting his bandmates. When did he stop paying that sort of attention to Vic?

He missed it…

When they finished in the shower, Vic took his sleeping pills and went to lay down. Kellin came with him, but fidgeted restlessly—implying that as soon as Vic was under, Kellin would be getting up and going back downstairs.

He always waited, though.

Even when he was cheating, Kellin always waited until Vic was asleep before he slipped away.

Did that mean something?

“I had fun today,” Vic said, feeling it as his words slurred. 

“Me too. I was thinking tomorrow we should go see a movie.”

“Okay,” Vic said, scooting a little closer to Kellin and pulling the other man’s hand to his chest. 

“I think...that’s what’s been wrong the past few weeks. We haven’t done anything together. You know, like a couple… I missed dates. I like going on dates with you.”

“Kellin?” Vic hated how heavy his body felt right now. It had been a long time since he’d fought the effects of his pills and every time he did, like now, it made him realize why Kellin hated him taking them so much. He really was helpless under their influence.

“Hm?”

“I want a family.”

“We are one. Aren’t we?”

“Yeah… But I want...a bigger family.”

“What, like kids?” Kellin asked. He didn’t sound like he liked the idea.

All Vic offered was a soft hum. 

“Picked a hell of a time to spring that on me...” 

Kellin pulled his hand away and Vic didn’t bother reaching for it again. 

“We can’t have kids. I mean...Not on our own. Why’d you have to bring this up when you’re too doped to talk to me?”

“I’m not too doped,” Vic slurred. It was safer, he thought. He couldn’t feel anything right now. He couldn’t feel pain if Kellin shot down his dream…

Kellin gave a small laugh and laid back down, his legs suddenly entwining with Vic’s and his head pushing its way under Vic’s chin. 

Was he not going back downstairs tonight?

“When did you go and get this idea?”

Vic hummed again, too focused on Kellin’s warmth against his chest. He wasn’t sad tonight and the closeness felt so nice. He missed feeling this way...

“I hope you know we’re talking about this tomorrow, Babe,” Kellin said, pressing a kiss to Vic’s throat. “You can’t just spring this on me when you’re passing out.”

“I’m not,” Vic argued weakly. 

“Right,” Kellin said, chuckling. Vic hadn’t heard Kellin chuckle like that in a long time…

“Well, guess what?”

“Hm?”

“For springing that on me, how about this...”

“What?” Vic asked, almost feeling worried when Kellin shifted against him. Was he going to leave? Vic’s thoughts were growing so far away and faded it was hard to keep up.

“I was going to tell you tomorrow after our date. I’m taking you on tour with me for all the California shows. I got approval. You’ll be with me at every one. VIP seating and backstage passes. How does that sound?”

Vic heard him, and didn’t hear him at the same time. He couldn’t remember what Kellin said, but he could feel himself smiling. He felt his heart grow a little warmer. He felt Kellin press close. He felt so warm…

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin was nervous and excited and anxious all at once. He wanted to get sick, but was forcing the contents of his stomach to stay back as he walked up to the venue with Vic at his side. Vic was excited to be able to go backstage and the band seemed happy to have him along as well. It would only be four shows that he was coming on tour for, but for Vic it must’ve seemed like a thousand. He was so _happy._ Kellin hadn’t seen him happy in months.

He was able to talk guitars with Justin, Nick, and Jack—and they all liked him more or less so it wasn’t too stressful for them to have him along. 

Kellin still worried, though. Vic was fine _now,_ but what about when the show started and the crowds formed and the noise level got high? What then? What happened when he, like Kellin had a million times before, saw someone who looked remotely like Eddie or Neil or Trent? What then? Especially with Neil being released like he was...  
�They were on the road every night in the van—no pillows or blankets or bedding to keep Vic preoccupied. There was no homemaking to be done on the road, so how would Vic cope under those circumstances?

He couldn’t go to Kellin for affection because the label forbade it. They couldn’t kiss or touch or hold each other in view of the public—not even backstage or in the green room. It simply wasn’t allowed. 

So what then?

What would Vic do then?

All of that weighed on Kellin’s mind as he faked a smile and carried his equipment toward the venue with Vic and his band.

“This is so awesome!” Vic kept saying. He was looking at everything—even the crummy green room furniture—and smiling ear to ear. “This is so cool!”

“I guess it is kinda cool,” Justin said, returning Vic’s smile. “If you wanna take my guitar for me, I’ll show you where they hold our stuff.”

Vic took his guitar case from him and smiled at Kellin brightly before following after Justin who was maneuvering a large case out into the hall.

“Do you really think this was a good idea?” Jack asked as soon as they were gone.

“I didn’t really have a choice. I feel like if I left him at home, he’d just...relapse again. This way I can show him, you know, nothing’s going on.”

“Except Vic is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.”

“He’s fine. I’ll keep an eye on him, just don’t… I know how he is. You know how he is… But please don’t get upset at him if he does…lose it. He’s the reason I’m alive. He’s the reason any of this is even possible. I know he’s a pain, but he’s my partner—”

“I know, but a week on the road? It’s going to get to him. One week is a like a month out here. And there’s not a schedule for him to take his pills around unless you want him sleeping in the van alone at ten o’clock.”

Kellin took a deep breath and stared out the doorway into the back hall.

“We decided he wouldn’t bring his sleeping pills. It’s not safe for him and it’s not practical...”

“Are you kidding me? You said he can’t take a _nap_ without having flashbacks. What made you think he was mentally _equipped_ to come out on the road?”

“He’s happy. Alright? Just let him be happy. And if he breaks down tonight or tomorrow or three days from now, Mike said he’ll come get him.”

“I’m worried about him,” Jack said, his expression showing honesty. He was worried about their image and the band, too, but they all knew what Vic meant to Kellin. Jack, surprisingly, had been the one to punch Kellin in the face the night he let it slip that he was fucking around with Casey. Justin had gotten mad but tried not to show it beyond his unsupportive remarks. 

“It’s better if he’s here than at home starving himself,” Kellin said, then left the room to help set up their things backstage. It was hard not to grab Vic and kiss him, watching how happy he was to be helping out and spending time with the guys. 

He helped out all that he could, and when the other bands came around he was friendly with them as well. He stayed close to Kellin, but not too close, and stayed out of everyone’s way during soundcheck. 

He did his best to behave, but it was far too clear to everyone that Vic was there for Kellin. He didn’t touch or kiss or stand too close, but he stared—that loving, puppy dog stare, when Kellin practiced his vocals. 

“Think your buddy’s got a man-crush,” the stage manager said as she set to untangling a bunch of wires.

It took all of Kellin’s willpower not to say back something snide.

Several people commented on it after that, including the headliner’s lead singer. To him, Kellin played it off as best he could—even slipped in a lie about how Vic’s “girlfriend at home” wouldn’t like to hear that. 

It was the first time his two lives were really colliding, and he didn’t like it. The idea had seemed fun, but the reality of it stressed Kellin out far more than he wanted to admit. It made him angry he had to lie. It made him angry that he had to deny his boyfriend affection, had to deny he had a boyfriend.

He hated leaving Vic behind in the VIP seating box as he went downstairs to get ready to play. The crowds came in and he couldn’t even check his phone to see if Vic were texting him, upset—afraid. Kellin had never been bothered by crowds. He was the opposite of Vic. He found comfort in them. But while he felt at peace watching hundreds of screaming fans spilling in the doors, he knew Vic’s heart would be racing. He knew Vic would start panicking—could start panicking—at any moment. 

It was so hard to go onstage and sing with that sort of anxiety mounting. It was hard to be playful with a crowd he knew wasn’t there to see him. It was hard… It was hard to do mostly sober because he hadn’t gotten any drugs off Casey and hadn’t had much to drink since Vic’s pills wouldn’t allow him to have alcohol and it felt wrong to drink when he wasn’t.

When their set ended, Kellin threw up in the filthy bathroom and then made his way up to the VIP seating to find Vic. His partner seemed a little anxious but no worse for wear than when Kellin had left him at the start of the show. 

“What did you think?” Kellin asked, smiling at his partner who moved as if to hug him, then caught himself and froze.

“It was great. I love watching you guys play.”

“Did you hold up okay? Is it okay in the box? Not stressful?” 

“Not stressful at all. It’s...It’s nice.”

Kellin felt relief flood him and dared to kiss Vic on the cheek once the box had cleared out. Vic smiled at him in this nervous, shy way that made Kellin’s heart skip a beat. It was a feeling he hadn’t gotten in a long time, and he could tell Vic felt it too. His grin fell away anxiously, and he ducked his head.

“I have to pack up the equipment, then we can get in the van. You okay to go for another show?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, smiling. “Wish we...wish we had a hotel to go to,” he added.

Kellin felt it too. God, he wished they had a hotel. But maybe the suspense would do them both some good. It was new for them to be together and unable to touch. There was no place for them to sneak off together—not like he and Casey used to do—and Kellin knew damn well his bandmates would kill him if and Vic tried to get handsy in the van. Not that Vic would ever do anything intimate in the presence of others. 

“Me too,” Kellin said, kissing Vic on the mouth then patting his shoulder and guiding him down from the box to the backstage area. Vic helped him carry some of the equipment, then waited patiently by the van until it was time to go. He took his sleeping pills and slept with his head on Kellin’s shoulder the whole ride, whimpering every now and then from a nightmare.

Still having nightmares, even on the road.


End file.
